Just MakeItBetter

Earlier this week, after finding bread poorly wrapped, I asked my lover to please make sure he put the English Muffin’s away properly or else they will go stale.

Three days later I made breakfast and went to work. Later on, I came home to a picture he’d taken that day:

6/16/08 Edit: After I posted this, I saw that I may not have been so clear. To sum it up: I gave him grief over not wrapping up the bread and a few days later I did the same thing. To point out my hypocritical behavior he took a picture of it (see above) and showed it to me. No words, no judgment.

You can’t argue with that.

Sorry guys, this post may have sucked. Good idea, bad execution.

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When I would argue and fight with my ex it was usually a brutal bitch fest filled with derogatory anger.

I was pretty cruel. But I always believed it was just my reaction to him, and if HE stopped his ways, I could stop mine too.

We both had our fair share of assholery, but I can only discuss my own.

Once I left that hate-filled relationship, I soon started dating a very calm man. During disagreements he would remain calm and ignore my irrational, emotional automatics. Through his sensibilities my own awareness became heightened. Without a bad attitude to latch onto the negativity of my actions and words would bounce off him and smack me right in the face.

I couldn’t blame my behavior on him this time; I was becoming the same fighter I’d always been.

No matter what the other culprit does it always starts and ends with me.

When we fight with a lover (or anyone for that matter) we are usually very much focused what they do and say rather than our own actions. How they treat us, disrespect us and make us feel.

We’re so damn preoccupied with the injustices they perform; we don’t consciously witness our own. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, no matter how bad the others involved. And that includes you.

The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, try to remain even keeled and unaffected by their behavior. It will take time but with enough practice, you might start to see what they do is not really about you, but their own issues. With enough practice you might realize how you react is totally within your control. With enough practice you’ll stop feeding into other people’s negativity, further breeding your own.

Then maybe, just maybe, the change in you might create a change in them too.

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I’m not skinny. I’m not chubby either. I’m the girl who would’ve fit in perfectly during the 1950’s; curvy and fair.

I think I’m sexy. Some other people agree and some don’t, but either way I’ve still received my fair share of attention.

I’ve been gawked at like a celebrity, hit on like a playmate, but couldn’t get a date to my Senior Prom (I’ll share that sad tale another day). I have gorgeous eyes and high maintenance, forgettable hair.

Suffice to say, I’m imperfect and flawed; human.

And I’m usually okay with all of it, because when it comes to the art of love and relationships, you can’t be the cat’s meow to everyone, but you will be to some.

With good ol’ statistics you’re bound to run into interested participants here and there, because everyday, somebody somewhere wants you, and you’re too busy looking for it to notice.

Real sex appeal comes with confidence and self esteem, so build up both and head out with your feathers showing; no one is going to see greatness unless you emit it from the inside.

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“If a couple really wants to test their love they should try sharing a five hundred square foot apartment.” - Me

My boyfriend (let’s call him J from now on, as boyfriend is getting old) and I met while living on the same block. I used to live about three houses down from him and now we share his apartment as our own. Living so close was probably one of the best arrangements a couple could dream of. It was a new dating experience, being so unbelievably available to one another, but still appropriately separate. Now living together, the individual mysteries are fading with each day and even though we are closer then ever I sometimes long for the solitude and selfishness my own apartment once gave me the freedom to indulge (but never really knew I needed). Living in a small space is unfathomably a huge challenge, but sharing any at all is always a test of tolerance.

I got to thinking that perhaps designated or separate living space may be a solution to avoid the inevitable irritability and boredom that recent research proved comes from years of togetherness.  Apparently, it’s about the dirty toothpaste cap, his loud chewing and my cheesy music choices - those little things that despite them, you still love your significant other, but still can’t help but sometimes wish they’d change their “annoying” habits. These elements are the ones that over time become bigger and bigger annoyances; what once was tolerable is now an everyday frustration.

The physical closeness that comes with living together can be a hindrance when connecting with yourself and each other. The separation you once were saddened by suddenly becomes the blessing of solitude and you eventually appreciate when you can take over your home without a concern for someone else’s interests. Romance is also hard to maintain when you never have an opportunity to long for the presence of your lover. They’re probably in the other room battling away at some virtual enemy or engaging in some other hobby. Even if you don’t interact with them, you know they are there, available when the desire strikes and if someone is that accessible it’s no big shock that we naturally start taking it for granted.

When you’re in a serious relationship it’s inevitable that you’ll be compromising most of the time. That’s why commitment can be so hard. It’s not just that you’ll be having sex with the same person for the rest of your life (even though if being faithful is a struggle, that’s a compromise in itself). Your life isn’t about you anymore, it’s about the both of you, and with that comes the everyday sacrifices. Before cohabitation you don’t have to deal with the everyday differences.  You can hide your secret behavior and be your best when you are together. That’s not to say that you should have to hide, or that when the oddities show up they shouldn’t just be accepted, but that doesn’t mean efforts can’t be made not to showcase them. Once you’re experiencing everyday proximity, it’s hard to control it though, and since you pretty much spend your life accommodating the relationship, while balancing your own wants and needs, it’s no surprise after thirty years your spouse is normally number one on your hit list.

When researchers are telling us this:

In general, the longer partners stay together, the more they have to deal with the other’s idiosyncrasies, for instance. “When you’re living together, it’s a lot harder to avoid each other,” Birditt said.

Isn’t it time we listen?

So what can we learn from the University of Michigan researchers to redefine what is normal?

Living your own life helps, as does remembering to appreciate your spouse, but frankly, relationship are enough effort. I’d rather learn from what others have found out and perhaps devise a better system. Maybe better means separate apartments, allocated rooms, or if the finances allow, your own wing, just find what will work for you, because love does grow when we’re together, but our love for each other only grows when we’re apart.

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Some people have mentioned the dynamics of my living arrangement, given the concept “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”?  I understand the logistics of their thinking. If you give someone all that they would want, then why would they take the legal and financial leaps that come with an even greater commitment? What then do they have to motivate them?

If someone is really commited, then they are commited. With or without the milk.

If games such as these need be played, then the rules in the field aren’t exactly fair, and you shouldn’t be willing to engage in something so frivolous. If I needed to restrict myself from entering into certain arrangements because of fear that it could halt my relationship’s progression, perhaps I should first figure out why I am wasting my time here with someone I can’t be myself with?

Sure if my intentions are not for the future, then of course, I could carry on, enjoying it until there was no more.

But sorry, I want a blossoming, reciprocal relationship; one with an appreciation for the present and a cemented future. And if my partner was of such little character that offering myself and my love meant he lost his respect and love for me, then he can go find someone else to lead on.

I don’t buy into the bullshit that my love’s interest in our development has been lost since I started paying half the rent, and if it did, then what we have isn’t true.

And noone deserves any less then that.

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I’ve spent the last few years of my life participating in standard marital celebrations. All my experiences have been similar but after one such party I felt the full impact of its redundancy; something I think many people can relate too.

Since the announcement I had not seen the newly betrothed girl so I walked up to her and gave the expected congratulations. As we pulled away from our embrace, she shoved her left hand in my face with such tenacity I was humorously taken aback by her forcefulness. I glanced at the ring and smiled, knowing her intentions were laced with excitement and not bad mannered. As she rambled on, sharing the story of their engagement for no doubts the hundred and sixth time, I analyzed her joy.

I never do get what the big deal is.

After going to numerous weddings in the past few years, they’ve all blended together, carbon copies of one another, levels of expense the only real differentiating factor. The spectacles were only enjoyable when at their most intimate; a unique reflection of the couple’s adoration. The charade of the ring and the commercially unoriginal list of parties and requirements end up an obligational and unnecessarily expensive. The decision to participate in this martial standardization seems conditioned and by no means the genuine reflections of an ever lasting love.This journey we are forced to embark is no longer a pivotal point in a relationship. Instead it’s a performance for others. Reflective of what society deems a correct wedding so the most opinionated of the invitees walks away assured that the couple in question is on the right path. A path paved by the bouquet toss, cake cutting, and perfect venue.

Is any of it an essential part of developing a healthy, successful romantic partnership? Or is it perpetrated by social norms and the desire to uphold a certain public image?

And if it was essential, shouldn’t couples be past these relationship milestones years before they enter into a legally binding collaboration?

Who ever said marriage was the end of the road with romantic love? And if it is, why can’t it be pertinent to your love, with a budget you can afford; an enrichment to the life you currently have, not the one you want created by a single day.Show me the couple that opts for a red dress and moissanite. The couple that shares the day with just those few that loves them the most. The couple that devotes themselves to one another through civil ceremony or considers themselves wed whether licensed or not. I’d love to see them so secure in their commitment that marriage is something to look forward too, not something achieved with ultimatums. Let it not be about you, the dress, the food, but about just being together.

As a woman I find it a tad absurd, the endless questioning of when a relationship will be official. (Because your connection isn’t significant until the government or god is involved?) I was further humored by the young woman, who when done showcasing her ring, touched my arm and exclaimed with assurance:

“Don’t worry, you’ll be next.”

She meant it sweetly, a kind girl, unaware of her comments. At least, I assume so. Perplexed though, I thought, who’s worried? As if my own party in a local restaurant substantiates my happiness or my relationship. And if it did, would it be because of my own desire for such an occasion or more so for the people who share her sentiments? As I go through the phase of life where marriage is a main topic and baby showers become quite common, I can’t help but question whether most engage in these activities because frankly they have no idea who they are or what else they should do.

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For further readings on the American wedding tradition:

The Trouble With Engagement Rings
It’s Just Marketing
How Two Months Salary Lasts a Lifetime In Really Evil Shit
Conflict Diamonds
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?
One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead

(EDIT 2/5/08: Apparently Jessica Alba hates weddings too. Not that this has any real credibility, but it was still funny considering I got some backlash about this post.)

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Every year around a holiday (no matter what one) my introverted boyfriend goes into a tizzy about having to think of things to purchase for everyone. He complains about it because he kindly does not want to disappoint those that enjoy the whole charade, while conflictingly dislikes the ridiculousness of the obligation. I hear the same concerns from various people; my best girlfriend is still discussing the make-up purchase she needs for her beau’s birthday from October.

There are still times when you’d either like to present someone with a thoughtful gift or etiquette expects you too. Rather then give you an extensive list of ideas this’ll teach you the art of gift giving, letting you recreate it.

1. Make a list. Either mentally or on paper list the interests or interests of the person your trying to buy for. No matter how little you know the person, you are sure to know something. Add anything you can come up with, and unless you know for sure it doesn’t apply, nothing is too trivial. Favorite color, flower, food, music. Are they into certain venues of entertainment? Such as: restaurants, clubs, museums, parks, concerts, sports? What are there favorite stores? List it all and let it simmer.

2. Actually try listening. When you’re together if they mention anything they need or want, make a mental note or write it down! It may not be near the time when you need to get them something but that doesn’t mean you can’t give it to them or tuck it away until the the appropriate date.

3. Think of something they would never buy themselves. What makes it a gift a great one is that it’s something they would always enjoy but actually never go out and purchase. This could be that it’s beyond their price range or that they wouldn’t spend that on themselves. It also works with things that everyone would love (out-of-this world bedding!), but don’t know how superb it is until they experience it.

That method can also be applied to people you don’t know that well.

Some good examples of this would be:

- Navigational system for that person that can’t stop getting lost
- Instrument lessons for the person that always says they’d love to try it out and never does
- Any luxury (small or large) that you can afford but they won’t spoil themselves with
- Investments
- Domestic services
- Tickets
- Take their kids for the weekend (note: nothing supercedes sleep and sex as a gift)

4. Old faithfuls. When all else fails and you just can’t bear the thought of contuining your search, stick with what works. There are always favorite stores, indulgent hobbies, gift cards, and money. Pick the lesser of those evils and consider whether that would be the best of the three for your receiver. As long as this is only a standby and you don’t use it all that often, you still can hold your reign as a great gift giver.

5. Stop that procrastination. We’ve all either been there ourselves or spend each Christmas watching someone wait until the 22nd to think of what to get everyone. If you start this process much earlier then it’s expiration date, you are likely to feel less annoyed, pressured, broke, and rushed. You’re more likely to get inspired or run into something fabulous. This way you’re more likely to bump into stuff then actually have to labor over it. It would probably be best to try to live in this mode all year round, because this isn’t an easy skill to develop and as with everything you do, practicing it will only improve it.

I’ve said stuff doesn’t matter and already brought up why materialism isn’t true love, but a gift can still be loving and wonderful. Thoughtful gifts don’t have to be expensive. They don’t necessarily have to even cost anything. They are only expressions of how much you care when you use the item to sincerely reflect how well you know them, get them, understand them, love them. That’s what makes it thoughtful and once you’ve perfected it, quite fun.

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Since I am a heterosexual female this post will be written from that perspective, but I urge you, regardless of your orientation, to consider where your life may fit into it. 

If I were single now, I would surely be a cheap date.

I wasn’t always a woman who didn’t have high romantic demands.  I had a relationship that was luxurious, at least for me and my poor college girl lifestyle. He was all the things a woman is supposed to want, I suppose.  He’d bring the flowers and candies. The fancy dinners and holidays were always filled with material abundance.  He was a kind man, but I never loved him.  I was young and inexperienced and he adored me.  I was insecure and not mature enough to realize that’s why I told him I loved him back.  He came off as the world’s greatest catch, but I never let on how “uncatchable” he was when he wasn’t buying my affections.  My interest wasn’t about him, it was about the way he treated me and what he gave me. Things I couldn’t give myself at the time; stuff and love.

After I grew the strength to leave, I walked away guilt ridden, confused and ashamed.

Since then, the reflection on those lessons have given me the greatest understanding of love and happiness in a relationship. I can tell you it has nothing to do with things. Not a thing. When a holiday comes around I don’t have expectations for some grande gesture of my lover’s affections. He displays them everyday; in his kindness, sincerity and appreciation. He proves his love for me not through expensive items or overcompensating bouquets, but by encouraging my independence and self expression. Our love is not measured by the size of a ring he’s willing to go into debt for, instead I choose to express mine by releasing that societal pressure off of him.

I love a wonderful night out, dressed to kill, with an expensive dinner bill. But I love him more.

Love that is truly unconditional has no bank book. A man and a woman find success is their excess of each other, rich or poor. There’s no need for someone’s attraction to be built off the distractions of todays romantic ideals. In the beginning the flashy things just cloud perspective, holding you back from the reality of a potential match.  Step back and consider it next time you take someone out on a date. A long walk lets you know how much you like them much more clearly than the buzz of a bar and a beer.   

Consider this: if you could take it all away, every bit of indulgence, every benefit, would you still love your mate/date? Are they just enough? Are you just enough? If no, then get away from that horrible place, stand up and leave, for love is only love when it is authentic.  All Relationships are meant to bring you joy, but with true love, the sincerest pleasure will come from the simplest things.  Just believe you deserve it and will find it.

That is, only with great expectations.  

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After years or god forbid months of dating many people choose to take their relationship into that level where your place and mine becomes ours. Although signing that new lease together can rightfully save loads of money and encourage a great relationship to blossom further, there are a few important details one must consider before leaping into a that commitment laden pool.

1. Dollars and cents. Money is one of the most appetizing aspects of moving in with your love and it usually is the first incentive that brings people to this decision. Don’t do it, don’t consider it and if you are, reconsider your relationship. Saving a buck is appealing and can give you the opportunities or lifestyle changes you so desire, but when it comes to sharing your life and living space with someone you love money should not matter - if it is your true motivation, grow up, downgrade or get a roommate.

2. Living space. Similar to roommates, general guidelines should be discussed and set before the actually togetherness commences. Just because you can handle something when you have a sleepover doesn’t mean you’ll be able to swallow it with ease when it is your own home. If you can’t deal with dishes in the sink make sure to mention it before your head implodes at the repetitive sight of dirty cereal bowls. Whatever your quirks are, share them with each other and be patient in the first few months while each of you gets to know the others living habits.

3. You think you know…but when you find his weird 70’s porn collection while rummaging for your garage sale you might feel a bit blindsided. If you love them and want to share your life with them, the oddities and insightful things that come out (which inevitably will) need to just stay stashed away as though you never knew. Some things are just better left unsaid. Now, her old grade school photos are worth fawning over.

4. Sorry, it’s not about you anymore. It’s about us. Moving in together is a BIG deal and don’t take it lightly. You’re not playing house. Large decisions that directly affect your partner or their living space require that you make those choices together. Not only does it show you respect them but also eliminates any reason for them to feel entitled to make moves without you too. If you can’t handle the idea of his beloved nasty recliner stinking up your pretty apartment try to love it along with him.  If you feel pressured or suffocated by this commitment, imagine how you’ll feel if you live it.

5. You are one person. With all this talk of unifying and combing of lives it is important to remember that no matter how close a couple you are you are still your own person. Relationships are healthier when two secure lives are blended together, with a distinct indication of individualism. Maintain your lifestyle and friendships; integrate your own styles and influences throughout your new home. Your relationship is something that enhances your spirit, complimenting it to new heights. Don’t let it take over who you are.

6. Stay pretty while you still can. Unlike in the past when you would sleep over, gather together midday, or meet up at your favorite eatery, everyday now starts with morning breath and ends with pajamas. When you trudge home every night you won’t always have the energy stay as fresh as before. Make it a habit to shave a little more often or put on a silk slip instead of sweats. Be conscious of these choices – your sex life won’t evaporate.

7. Accept them. Many of us can say we love our partner, but have we truly accepted them? Looking at them as perfect just as they are is a difficult proposition. How can they be perfect, no one is? It’s meant to symbolize the tolerance you need to create in your heart for their quirks, idiosyncrasies and downright irritating attributes. Growth and differences can take time to adjust, change is not easy to overcome. Imagine that this person you love is pure perfection.  It is a wonderful way to know how you really feel, because to have true success with them you need to love them just as they are.

8. Not sure? Frankly, if any of this is freaking you out you probably should reconsider your new roommate. Like everything important in life, you just know.

Moving in together isn’t easy, and it often isn’t recommended either. But like most people in love, you’ll make decisions perhaps you shouldn’t. For if it’s real nothing should matter except that you’re together. If nothing else mattered, (money, nor place, nor famine or foe) and after all of this all you want is to share your life with her – then I say jump fast, because a love like that will only survive with you 100% into it.

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I have a love/hate relationship with Halo, and now unfortunately, Call of Duty 4. I fear that I may have lost my boyfriend to it, and although I understand the merits of the game, I still can’t help but feel bothered by the loss of my love’s attention. Despite these quandaries I have for these make-believe war games, I can’t help but see the shimmering silver lining standing behind Master Chief. There really is as much to love about the game as there is to hate.

The cons of it all are quite obvious:

1. Hours are spent with them all over their Xbox and not you. It’s hard not to miss him when a new game arrives; his excitement alone (although sometimes not blatantly obvious) is infectious along with foreshadowing of the neglect that’s to come.

2. Friends and fellow gamers encourage his devotion with daily Halo calls trying to determine the next hour for battle. One can’t help but groan when the topic travels to your phone calls, with stories of how much it has sold and the unbelievable graphics.

3. The obsessive nature of the whole thing is enough to bear without the racket of gunfire and CB voiceovers lingering in the background. It’s like a chronic playback of “Black Hawk Down” won’t stop infiltrating your home.

4. Anything substantial that you’ve mentioned will pretty much have been forgotten the moment you speak. Therefore, any valuable conversation must be completely avoided during any times of play, including so-called “breaks”. His mind is still adjusting to the war zone he just got out of.

The pros need initially required a little more digging:

1. Games as big as Halo 3 and Call of Duty 4 don’t come out very often, which guarantee you only a few times a year (if that) when you’d need to sit through the rampages that will take over your television.

2. With the advent of technology like Xbox Live, gamers can play and interact with their friends without leaving their own homes. This benefits the “one that the gamer forgot” because not only are they safe, but if something does come up, they’re at your disposal - especially if a large order of takeout arrives when you’re in need of a little love.

3. Unlike a lot of other activities they could be engaged in, video games are pretty harmless. If there are no young children present, the violent nature of the game shouldn’t affect sanity and that’s great because it’s probably making them smarter anyway.

4. Spending time with your own friends is an essential part of a healthy relationship. We all need our time to reflect and relax, and sometimes the things we love to do we love doing more with our friends. Let the bonding ensue and you’ll get more quality attention when the time comes.

Despite these unfortunate and equally annoying traits that come with dating a gamer, my observations have enabled me to control the hen-pecker within me, because there are better avenues in which to respond. No matter what your significant other loves to do (sports, poker, shopping, and reading) with their spare time, allow them the freedom to enjoy it without your billowing insecurity to take over. It’s fulfilling to watch him with something he loves, as I’d hope he’d feel with me too. The truth is, I’d probably be obsessed with it too.

That is, if I could get any good at it.

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