Questioning Procreation
photo by Pedro Klien
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
- Bertrand Russell
Perhaps the greatest mistake we make is making the common opinion that everyone should have children.
In our society having children is considered normal. Being childless is odd and misunderstood, with people concluding that something is either amiss with mind or fertility. Having kids has become an easy way of finding purpose, love and direction, like a to-do list box to check off on the path to American happiness.
To have a child is easy.
A man and a woman with decent fertility have repeated unprotected sex until nature takes care of the rest.
To parent is not.
Yet regardless of common sense, at a certain age, people crave to nest and build a family. They see the love friends and family gain by having children and start to think that is what could be missing. (Unsurprisingly, these people aren’t opening up about how hard it can be or those fleeting thoughts of regret.) Elders nag about when the grand-babies will come, with no discussion as to whether they should come or if the couple is equipped to raise another human being. (Financially, emotionally or otherwise.) Questioning capabilities isn’t acceptable and it’s assumed everyone knows what they are doing – even if they really don’t.
Parents admit they sometimes wish they didn’t have kids.
They love them, they say, but ‘if only’ is a quite common afterthought. If it wasn’t for biology making humans love their offspring, we’d likely be another species abandoning the worst of the flock. For some, having kids isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and it’s best to figure that out before the delivery. Yes, it really is one of the hardest jobs in the world – a job that literally doesn’t end until either one of you dies. The onset of biological desires to spread seed and keep the species alive does not mean you need to have kids. Our species will continue without you. Think about that the next time you coo over a stroller, your narcissistic heart irrationally aching for one of your own.
Parenting means committing like never before, to do the best job one could ever do.
Not everyone is happier because of having kids. In fact they are more likely to make you unhappy. Upon having children, life is routed directly based on the best interest of the child. More should think about that prior to peeing on a stick.
Despite having little to no experience dealing with children and people still undertake this formidable challenge. If more people actually understood what it took to parent less would be interested in doing it. If more people were self aware and less inclined to follow, more would recognize they aren’t paternal. They would know they are in for the hardest, most selfless and most demanding time of their life. Are you really up for this?
We are supposed to be improving. That’s the point.
Sadly many parents are creating smaller messed up versions of themselves, instead of better ones.
If they were our society would be getting better with each generation. Previous generations are meant to learn and teach the next to do better. Look around, are we more tolerant, kinder, and more open? Are we really making better people? Or more of the same?
Maybe you weren’t meant to procreate.
If we want to build a greater society, that can’t be done if all of our individual strengths are given to making and raising babies. The perfect parent doesn’t exist, only better, more equipped ones do. Parenthood is serious business, beautiful in it’s complexity and left for those that dream of giving, teaching and nurturing.
Childlessness should be a respected choice made by those who recognize the weight and responsibility of their decision. Personal feelings of uncertainty should be listened to. It’s okay if you don’t want kids. Don’t have them because your partner, parents or community thinks you should. Leave your legacy elsewhere or give to the world’s current children – they need all they can get.
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I love this post. I agree with every single word – I could have written it myself!
I agree that it looks like as a society, we are not creating “better” generations but rather new versions of ourselves. Even if many individual parents are trying hard. Also agree that there are other ways to leave a legacy.
Thank you for the link love!
August 16th, 2009 at 2:32 pmVered – Blogger for Hire´s last blog ..Sin City Pictures
Vered, you’re very welcome!
August 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pmHa! Absolutely true, couldn’t have said it better myself.
I LOVE what I’ve seen of your site. I’m off to have a look around. : > )
August 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pmWriter Dad´s last blog ..Happy Anniversary!
Good one Nicole
You don’t have to be parents to help society charge forward. But once you are ….
August 16th, 2009 at 10:34 pmHolte!
I like to think it’s a product of your feedback…
August 16th, 2009 at 11:07 pmWD -
I hope you like more of what you see!
August 16th, 2009 at 11:07 pmOnce a upon a time..all i could think about was becoming a mother.. i thought having a baby would be the most wonderful thing. but now as an adult.. i really not sure if i could raise a children the way i would want it to be raise. i do not want to produce a child who happends to cause most problems or grief to another person.. i rather just spoil other ppl’s childern….sometimes the thought of a children just scares the shit out of me.
August 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pmGosh, I thought I would read scathing comments after reading this. I agree with every word . . .
As part of a couple that always “just knew” we didn’t want kids, I find it funny the puzzled looks I get when I’m asked why we didn’t have them. They think it’s strange if I ask “why DID you decide to have them?” It’s not really a socially appropriate question to ask the other direction, is it?
But the answer is always the same when I ask it “I just always knew I wanted them.” Same here–but to the contrary.
August 17th, 2009 at 8:23 pmRetired Syd´s last blog ..Free New York, Well Worth the Price of Admission
Syd,
I expected negative comments too. I guess they haven’t found me yet.
August 17th, 2009 at 10:33 pmWell now what am I supposed to say, my first born child is only three months old. Am I supposed to agree with what you say and just dismiss him before he even has a chance or should I negate your blog in hopes that I am one of the rare few who have a child who grows up with the support and guidance of their parents to change the world for the better. In all, I agree with your argument but only because unfortunately the majority of it is factual. People are popping out babies because of the pressures of the world to do so and are not educated or responsible enough to even begin to be the parents that they should be. The question is however, are we ever ready emotionally, financially or even maturally (ok, that’s not a word but I needed another “ally”). I think the truth is that we have to do the best we can to prepare but then there is a lot of learning after the fact. If we spent a lifetime trying to equip ourselves with the knowledge it takes to raise another human being we would never reach our goal. Nothing would make me happier then to prevent those whom this blog is talking about from procreating, but let’s not loose hope for those small few who dedicate their lives to passing the torch of progress and love. Unfortunately no matter how lifelike that floor baby was in home-ec class, nothing can prepare you for the real thing.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:36 amNicole
Perhaps you have no negative comments because your readers are a tolerant bunch, or they are too scared to disagree with you.
There is an ulterior motive behind having kids. Grandkids.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:41 pmHolte Ender´s last blog ..Song and Dance man Tom Delay is back
Jasper,
Ahh, such an interesting comment. I love it! I would say once a parent, at least one can decide to raise a child with the support and guidance to change the world for the better. As a new parent, I hope, regardless of what you know otherwise, you choose that.
Welcome, btw!
Holte,
I wonder? Could I really be that scary?
August 18th, 2009 at 8:53 pmI want a tolerant but strong audience that would never fear sharing their thoughts. I say bring it. (Just bring along that tolerance too.)
Amazing.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:30 amIf this was talked about in mass media, the negative press would be astounding.
But, it’s funny how just a few weeks ago, my friend talked about the same exact thing and I agreed.
It seems though, the people who have a hard time caring for their children have the most children?
Ken´s last blog ..Hard Work, Sacrifices and Discipline
It’s nice that you made a case for not having children too. I think that’s quite rare in our society. Almost stigmatized in some ways..
Really good post!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:11 amKaizan´s last blog ..The Simplest Most Effective Time Management System Ever
Ken,
That’s one reason I like to blog. No one can take what I say out of context. And yes, unless you have endless resources, the more you have the less you can usually give.
Kaizan,
Thanks! Let’s have more of us talking about it so it is less rare. We all know what is popular isn’t always right.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:12 amIt really tickled me that you referenced my post (do you really want to do THIS?!) to make parenting seem unattractive. I’ve had a crap day so it was a bittersweet chuckle, but still…
I agree with you on many fronts. Having kids is really frackin hard and no one should make the decision lightly. I have absolutely no issues with people who choose not to have them. I’m pretty sure some days that they have made the saner choice!
August 24th, 2009 at 1:26 pmNoble Savage´s last blog ..Comfort and joy: a letter to my daughter
The only person that ever made me feel guilty about not having children with my husband was the man who told me that it was a disservice to society that we, as intelligent successful people, are not going to create more of the same. He told me that we are going to be outnumbered by the folks that should not be having children creating little messes. Still not going to, but I believe he had a point.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:36 pmTerese,
You and your husband may be intelligent, successful people, but having kids without sincerely want them wouldn’t make more of you.
I encourage you to give up any guilt. You aren’t hurting society by not reproducing. In fact, by recognizing your disinterest in it, you’re helping it. Children that end up burdens on society are not just created by the lazy and stupid.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:08 pm