Just Make It Better

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Thinking about becoming single but fear it? Ever suddenly find yourself single?

After healing from a breakup, gaining the interests of new suitors can feel like a struggle. As I enter new stages of life I see how much harder it can be to get to know people intimately.  These rules of adulthood sure limit our chances of finding possible relationships.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

The trick is to give more potential partners a chance.

There are many many moments in a day when we catch another person’s eye. At the store, gas station, walking through your neighborhood, in traffic, class, while getting your mail, and on the subway. You get the point.

Instead of smiling first or even smiling back, we negate advances, don’t make any of our own and then go home and wonder why we never meet anybody.

Whether you are male or female, sincere friendliness and being genuine, will have people responding to you.

When I was single I dated a lot. Like different guys every other week a lot. Maybe a month or so if there was someone interesting. I didn’t sleep with any of them. That only goes on with the ones I really like, and they tend to last more than a month.  I would meet some guy and we’d go hang out a few times. When we’d realize there wasn’t much there, we’d wave goodbye.

Love isn’t based on what someone is, but who they are and it sometimes takes getting past our first impressions to find that out. Reject less for superficial reasons. Accept more for the possibility.

Men don’t flock at my feet either.

I didn’t get a first kiss until I was seventeen, so suffice to say I wasn’t given that gift.

Every guy or girl has flaws worth rejecting by someone. People always have a reason someone doesn’t work for them. Ideas about “types of people we date” have left us with narrow options and a wealth of loneliness. External expectations are the number one killer of prospective dates. It could be any number or things but maybe they aren’t the right height, race, dressed appropriately or “attractive” enough.

(Whatever the hell that means.)

What it does mean

Look at all the ex’s you’ve had in your life. If you haven’t had many, add in your crushes and potential people you would date (in real life, no famous people).

No matter how great they were on paper, the truth about them was that they were as human and fucked up as you and me. Meaning, maybe they had a weird toe thing, snored, or a past with cocaine. They had something. Some are dealbreakers (cocaine), others are not (snoring).

Regardless, there’s always a reason not to speak to someone. We are attracted to certain people naturally for a reason, but passing up someone for trivial reasons could have us passing up love. Judgment on why someone doesn’t fit the bill has more to do with the noise families, society and our stigmas make then whether they’d be fabulous lovers, friends or partners.

Expanding your horizons and approaching new people is also great practice for engagement. You’ll develop tolerance and acceptance for others while becoming more confident. That way when you bump into the one that makes you gaga, you’ll have the know how to handle it.

If you’re truly looking for love. The kind of love that makes your soul feel full. Then you have to experience people longer than the glance you get when walking by. You have to smile back. Come hither. You need to give more things a chance. Even if they aren’t wearing the right style jeans or color hair.

Because you know it’s true, how they look is never who they really are.

*****

Linksies: Psychology of Success.  For people who like their inspiration with a dose of science. Bakari was nice enough to chat with me about it. Plus he’s smart and all, with that Ph.D.

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