What to do when an Ex comes back
(And you wished they hadn’t.)
Recently, someone who I haven’t heard from for six years decided to Facebook me. (Let’s add that to the list of reasons why to hate social networking.)
After initially ignoring it, this “old relationship” kept poking and messaging me. I wanted to explore this opportunity for growth. My curiosity and ego got the best of me and I gave a hesitant hello. Thankfully, after minor small talk I woke up and decided he needed to shag off.
Below is the message I sent and the lessons learned from this:
“Hey!
I’ve been crazy busy lately. Lotso projects and went outta town.
I think it’s amazing that you’re doing good. I’m glad I know it – as I had wondered it. I don’t feel like picking up a friendship though. Our past is that, and I want to leave it there. I have no ill will and this isn’t coming from a negative place. I just don’t feel it is best for me to bring you into my present. Everything that happened has had a tremendous affect on me and I think it’s best that I don’t invite old feelings. So it’s with a respectful and smiling face that I bid you adieu.
I’m over you.”
Next time you get an ex-that-ended-badly gram:
1. Act on the belief that he or she has NOT changed. You have no proof otherwise.
2. There was a reason it ended badly and it wasn’t because you were the mature one.
3. That tread carefully feeling in your stomach is your brain. And it’s talking for good reason.
4. People that end relationships with things like: an abrupt, a single-lined email saying “you’ll never hear from me again”, should be avoided. Yes, that’s really how he ended things.
5. Sometimes it’s nice to seize an opportunity to let go and say good-bye.
What’s the best way you handled a returning ex?
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Wow, I wish I had read this post TWO years ago when my ex added me to facebook, after he had dumped me on our anniversary, and not talked to me in over a year. I think this is pretty solid advice.
June 13th, 2009 at 8:18 pmmarie´s last blog ..Are you unhappy at your job? TELL SOMEBODY
This is a great post and good for you for responding the way you did. It’s hard when an ex comes back not to think that s/he has somehow changed but, from my experience, it doesn’t ever seem to be the case. The past is the past for a reason and lot of people don’t remember that, but you did an AWESOME job of putting the past where it belongs — behind you. Not too long ago I wrote a post called “who’s afraid of the big, bad past?” where I had to unexpectedly with my past. It’s not always easy and I think you did a great job of being direct and honest in your response. Bravo!
June 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pmPositively Present´s last blog ..words are my happy sounds
Hey PP,
It took a lot. I’m no hero. I wanted to flick the monitor when I got another message. Thanks for the encouragement. I hope others can channel it next time some bad news comes calling.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pmMarie,
Damn. What amount of stalking commenced after that?
June 13th, 2009 at 10:26 pmHe decided I would be his confident or something, and started to tell me about all the crap that was going on in his life: parent’s divorce, sister’s trouble in school, etc. For a while, it totally worked, and I felt bad for him, and always kept talking. One day though, after he complained to me about what one of his recent ex had done to him, I realized that this “online friendship” we had wasn’t right, and although I never told him I didn’t want to talk to him again, I simply stopped responding, and eventually he stopped bugging me.
June 14th, 2009 at 7:22 ammarie´s last blog ..How to kick start your weekend -SUMMER VERSION
It seems that it’s compulsory that we all have to experience something like this. You handled it well.
June 14th, 2009 at 10:19 amInteresting u posted this. My ex recentl reached out to me through myspace. she said lets catch up. i actually did call her but when i called her she wasn’t willing to talk much. i was at a loss so i just said bye. lol. but yea i think it’s better to leave the past in the past.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:51 amSolid advice. Thank you dahling!
June 17th, 2009 at 6:39 pmAesthetic Thoughts´s last blog ..My First *official* Photoshop Creation
Aesthetic,
You’re very welcome!
C.J., I wonder what compelled you to call her?
June 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pm[...] presents What to do when an Ex comes back posted at Just [...]
July 9th, 2009 at 6:54 amWow, that’s a bit mean. Ex’s are people too.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:43 pmWow, great advice, Exactly the same thing happened to me. The abrupt breakup by him, the return on FB and his sob story about divorce, his parents death, job loss etc. All the dormant feelings I had were turned on and I was so stressed having him as a FB friend. He never sent any messages on FB after he’d added me as a “friend.” I deleted him, not a happy scenario, but definitely a relief and the right thing to do.
August 17th, 2009 at 11:48 am