Just Make It Better

photo by: littledan77

When born, we are wonderful, innocent beings just ripe with perfection. Then our parents get a hold of us and ruin it.

It seems most people have issues with their parents and if you don’t please forward this to someone you know who does.  Problems with parents can effect most of our adult lives. If you’ve ever wanted to forgive one or both of your parents for any hurt they may have caused please read this post.

Acknowledge it.

I used to hate my father to such a degree that when he’d start a tirade my heart would flutter and my stomach churn. Growing up he was a tyrant that walked around our house with a chronic beer and bad attitude. He worked hard at a job he hated and was clearly unhappy. Depending on the hour he was either funny and drunk or angry and abusive.  He was a provider but not a father. And as a loud, outgoing child I attracted the brunt of his brutality.

Throughout high school I was depressed and angry. When I left for college the distance sent my anger into hibernation, only to be awakened at holidays and other events.

Meanwhile, as expected, that unhealthy dysfunction showed up in other areas of my life. Instead of dating an abuser I was the one screaming like a lunatic. Instead of dating alcoholics I found people I could control. Essentially, in my own way I became him.

I had always recognized the error in my childhood. I remember resisting it immensely – looking around and realizing how wrong it was; how inappropriate. But numbing pain only masks it and acknowledging the power it still has is a first step in removing yourself from it and your life.

The Power of the Past

If you have children (or even don’t for that matter) you should understand that in life we make decisions to the best of our ability at the time it is we make them. It is likely you’re an educated and relatively conscious human being (why else would you be a site called “just make it better”?) therefore you understand we make mistakes all the time. Often because we didn’t know any better and therefore couldn’t do any better.

Consider your own parents:

What were their childhoods like?

What happened to them that made them the way they are?

What pain are they feeling to make them behave in such a way?

And, do you want to spread your dysfunction on to your children/friends/relationships?

All parents make the best decisions that they can at the time. They show love the best they know how at the time. They do the best they can at the time. My father was the only way he knew how to be and I forgive him for it. He is a tortured soul that has to live with the knowledge that he was the way he was for the rest of his life. That is punishment enough. I don’t need to hate him. Know that deep down no matter the mistakes they made, they couldn’t have done any better. Or else, wouldn’t they have?

To Forgive is not to Forget.

What makes a person think holding on to pain from their childhood is in some way retribution for a parent’s mistake?

By not releasing the feelings we have we only perpetrate the same negativity in our adult lives. It is through forgiveness that we can start a life that was truly meant for us. Forgiveness doesn’t condone another’s behavior, it rises us above it so that we can say what they’ve done has no power anymore. It no longer dictates how we feel about ourselves nor how we live our lives. When we are angry, hurt, resentful or bitter, the only person that feels that is us! And those who choose to carry it like a badge of honor are only hindering their own happiness because your parent’s behavior is no excuse for current mistakes. By knowing what they’ve done wrong, you have the opportunity to do better. They don’t have the chance to re-do what they’ve done but we have the chance to decide whether it will limit us.

Silver Lining.

I am very much like my father. I have his wit, his charisma, his confidence and his temper. I am strong willed, opinionated and sharp tongued just like him. Yet if I weren’t all these things I would never have had the strength or perseverance to get over him.  It is by being him that has allowed me to break the cycle and be the me I was meant to be – whether he was a great dad or not.

In the end they gave you life and without them there would be no you. Whether we like it or not we’re more them then we aren’t and that will never change. You can choose to travel their dysfunctional path or allow your experiences to teach you how not to be. Forgiving them and letting go will only make it better. It gives you your power back – which sure can change your life.

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