Friendly Venom
Ever hang out with someone and feel anxious to get home? Does being around them make you feel drained, annoyed or stressed out? You’re not quite sure how it got like this, but you can’t shake the feeling you want to “break up with them”?
Toxic Friends.
They infiltrate your life like a searpeant, slithering their negativity in and unexpectedly smothering you with it.
Sometimes these friends were always bad news but you had your own issues that you never saw it coming. Or for whatever reason they may not have your best interests at heart, and you’re finally starting to notice. It could be possible time and change has caused this rift, but no matter what the circumstances, the odds are you might need to cut them loose; for your sake and theirs.
Here’s a handy guide to find out if you’ve been delaying the inevitable:
1. Being around them is supposed to be fun.
Usually they should make your day but now they only create an exhausting one. If you find that spending time with them doesn’t make great memories, then you might want to get some pest repellant.
2. My personal cheerleader.
Ask yourself: does this person support me? Do they inspire me or give me respect and ecouragement? If no, perhaps they’re really not your friend and you cling to each other for other reasons. A true friendship is like any form of real love, they want everything for you that you could ever dream for yourself, and they willingly help you get there.
3. Drama, drama, drama.
At least once a week they call you with some woe-is-me story that won’t end. Their relationship, their job, their apartment, basically whatever event that shows up in their life becomes a of tale tribulation and struggle.
4. Negative Nancy.
The food is bad. The people are lame. The ride is too long. They never stop complaining and while you battle to remain positive, the fun-sucking energy coming from them still wins.
5. What it’s only been three months?
You haven’t seen each other in ages and you only make the effort when there’s nothing better to do. Or when you have the delusion to believe it’ll be fun this time. (But still, it never is.)
Relationships are supposed to enrich your life and make you a better person. They aren’t supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. Friendships should only enhance who you are becoming and improve the quality of your life.
The theory that what we don’t like in others is a reflection of what we don’t like in ourselves is hogwash. What we don’t like in those around us was once what we were, but now we can see it in others only because we’ve overcome it. It is only when we do something about our shortcomings do we really understand their affect on the world around us and when we carry the same problems as our neighbor we are usually too busy with our baggage to notice theirs.
Remember whatever you do with a toxic friend, be honest and kind, for they know that they not what they do.
You know, you’ve been there too.
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Boy could I relate to this post. I have one toxic friend and it has been my struggle over the last several years how to end this relationship. It hit rock bottom for me last year (although I think she is oblivious). In my mind, a toxic friend is one that doesn’t love you (or even like you). I prefer my friends that actually like me. (Call me crazy).
Now I do subscribe to the school of thought that says it is very dangerous to make assumptions (i.e. that this friend doesn’t like me), but whether or not it’s true, that’s how I feel about the relationship, and I would prefer to spend my time with those that I feel actual warmth from. (And that’s a lot of people!)
I’m hoping this friendship can just die a natural death, with no action from me, but we’ll see.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:25 pmIt’s true, they probably don’t like you. If our instincts about them don’t die after a few years it might be safe to say we should trust them.
It’s important to consider why we do keep them around, because in the end they must serve some purpose or else why wouldn’t we drop them like the poison they are?
Although I’ve yet to figure that part out myself…
March 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pmLike Retired Syd I can really relate to this article – everybody has probably been there. They come in many varieties.
Some are simply draining your energy/vitality, some are busy ONLY loading their problems and fishing for sympathy -
Some seem to be very occupied with comparing different aspects in life (e.g. economic situation, last holiday destination, love life) – but apparently only when they seem to believe that the comparison is actually an affirmation of their own status.
Some will use you as an audience for their own life, and life stories – only rarely caring enough about you to ask about your life, your experiences and your feelings.
Some are plain psychic vampires, a term coined and PERFECTLY described by Anton LaVey.
The worst kind – or rather the kind where it’s hardest to really let the natural consequences happen in due time – are the friendships that were once good but have over a period of time for one reason or another turned bad. You keep on hoping that the friendship will revert back to a better state, and hoping (almost hoping against hope) that the qualities you once cherished will show again.
From this point it usually take many disappointments before you take the inevitable decision.
But there really is only one sensible thing to do, and that is draw the line and the consequences. As Goethe said – that which disturbs your soul you MUST not suffer.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:28 pmBtw, a good subject on this blog – will make a blog entry on my own blog on the same.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm“The theory that what we don’t like in others is a reflection of what we don’t like in ourselves is hogwash.”- So true!!
March 15th, 2008 at 11:05 pmYour wise reflection here really puts things close to home for me. I have a sibling who fits all your descriptions to perfection. Being the older sibling, I was always accused as the antagonist when something erupted between this “sibling” and I. In my younger years, I spent much time delving into correcting my own possible faults and trying to correct my “toxidity” in-order to improve my relationship with “this sibling”. Finally, my family told me that it was my sibling that possessed all the venom and anger.
I have a toxic sibling and am always honest, will always try to remember to be kind and hope that they find their balance and happiness in life, somewhere, sometime.
Diane
FYI – created a post on same subject on my own blog – I felt lazy so essentially I simply introduced the subject, linked here, and copy/pasted my own comments…
March 17th, 2008 at 12:52 pm