Just MakeItBetter

I once pretended that I went to Harvard.

It all started unintentionally when I purchased a cute, pink Harvard t-shirt in Boston while visiting a friend. It fit me well and after a few wears I started to notice that people automatically assumed I went there and treated me differently because of it. I entertained their assumptions often playing along; mostly because it was egotistical and I was twenty and dumb.

As a culture we judge each other based on appearances and we represent ourselves not as who we are, but what we’d like others to think we are.

Hence my Harvard t-shirt spectacle.

This phony behavior often leads to disconnected and equally as phony relationships. If I went around telling new friends I really went to Harvard, that was a big mound of bullshit I would have to keep up or else risk looking like a dishonest loser.

The upkeep of our image will always hold us back.

Anyone can head down to Canal Street and pick up a fake designer bag. They can’t afford the real one and if even if they could they still feel compelled to make sure that everyone around believes they are affluent and important.

If it was about the quality and design of the product, fake would not do and neither would the generic looking ones you find under sheets in the back of a store front.

Most “rich” people in this country are merely average people with too much debt and too little self esteem. They’re worried about what the community will think and their label emblazoned lifestyle supports that. Clothes, products, educations, cars are being used as mantel piece status symbols. Kids are still in costly activities while parents refinance a mortgage to cover credit card debt. Even many well-to-do families exceed their limitations, because the image race never ends until you say so.

Unless your income is so disposable that you can throw it around the mall like free pamplets on the street you probably shouldn’t worry about what walking billboards you wear.

Just as my Harvard t-shirt look was a blatant lie about who I am and what I’ve accomplished, so is your overextended lifestyle or whatever else it is you’re pretending to be. We’ve all done it, we all do it, but you’re worth more then this and deep down you know it. So go change it your Abercrombie shirt and start being who you really are.

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In this post I am going to dive deeper into differentiating between a need and want and how to start the experience of a Crap Detox.

Dealbreakers

Everybody has the things they believe they need, which really have nothing to do with survival (stilettos, video games, liquor, fancy cell phones). That’s what makes them a want and not a need, right?

Depending on your current financials, the flexibility of this need/want line can differ. But the idea of CD is to remove yourself from feeling like any want is a need, and we will do that by temporarily taking away all but a few, regardless of your income.

To Start:

1. Get a pen, some paper and on one side start writing down EVERYTHING you purchase that if you couldn’t tomorrow you would still be healthy and alive. If you’re not sure, add it anyway, it probably counts; break it down to the bare minimum - you get the point.

(Don’t forget to include: beauty regimes, entertainment, coffee, clothes, expensive food, your expensive car payment, domestic services, bottled water, gum, weed, cigarettes, music, books, apartment in a high cost area, etc etc.)

When you have exhausted your energy and can’t think of anything else, step back and take a look at your list. (If you’ve been honest with yourself then it is probably long.) If you do not believe it is complete, go hunt down your last few months of credit/debit card statements and riffle through them. Add charges that you did not think of.

Ask yourself if each cash withdrawal went to a worthy purchase. Do you even remember where you spent it all?

2. Next flip the sheet over and start writing down all the things that truly mean a lot to you. All the things you dream about but don’t do because of the two most popular reasons: Time and Money.

(If you have other reasons, bring it up in the comments, so I might address them later!)

For me it was: travel Europe, start a writing career, get a puppy, see friends more, take dance lessons, get a masters degree, learn piano, have a backyard, learn karate, sleep late.

Look back at your list of crap. (Because that’s what it is!)

That list is what is keeping you from the time and money to get to those things that really matter to you.

It’s not your job, kids or other responsibilities; you can acquire the wants you really need!

3. Start deciding the easiest things to scratch off your crap list. The small things you could stop buying tomorrow (we’ll deal with big things like a car later). Run a big line through them. During this detox you are not going to purchase any of them and if you have a partner, share this with them.

Better yet, have them do it with you.

Now calculate what is 10% of your monthly salary (after taxes), consider what on your list is most important for you to have, then accomodate your wants into that monthly allowance. You can spend it how you want, but don’t reach beyond it.

This is a test to show you your relationship with things. For me it was bi-monthly haircuts, fresh fruit and eyebrow threading. This process starts to make your really get the effect of perceived importance, and how to eliminate it.

The next few days, watch how often you instinctually whip out your wallet to spend. Refer to the list as a reminder. Let the experience of this all simmer and soak in. The first few months can be the hardest, but also the most enlightening. Become conscious of your urge to spend, how quickly the dollars will dissipate. Resist, desist and maintain self control. In the end you’ll be so incredibly thankful.

When you feel weak, refer back to your list for what really matters; your dreams will get you through it.

Part 3: Falling Off The Wagon

If you want to go through a Crap Detox with the rest of us, subscribe here for updates and next steps. Hey at least try it; you’ve gotten nothing to lose but lotsa crap.

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I haven’t been watching too much of “The Big Give” but I did catch the first one and the beginning of the second last night while skimming through my bloated DVR.

The only comment I have to make (and let’s face it, there are many to be had) is on the veteran’s they featured on both episodes.

Putting the facts on paper and when not dissecting it any further: they both went to war, fought, came back disabled and now they are struggling to survive because of it.

In swoops the reality show to save the day.

Let me get this straight -

A man goes off to war for a country and when returning to said country it’s the responsibility of luck and a reality show to help put his (government caused) mangled life back together?

Shouldn’t situations like this be in the hands of the government that sent him there in the first place?

Why isn’t anyone questioning the existence of this need in the first place?

Why did no one on the show call out the poor planning and assistance he has not received?

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The funny thing about stuff is that once you’ve gone long enough without acquiring more of it, you stop wanting any of it.

Ever since I’ve freed myself from American consumerism, I’ve noticed the feeling of freedom increases with each day. Like any other addiction the more you feed it the more you crave it or the farther you are from it, the more you wonder why you ever needed it. A year ago I would never have guessed the huge release it would bring. My wish list was excessive, as is the majority of Americans, and it was one of the causes of my stress and unhappiness.

Freeing me has changed my life.

When we are consumed by what we don’t have or what we’re looking to attain, it keeps us from acknowledging what is already around us.

It causes self-inflicting burdens such as social status, debt and insecurity. (click on the link to find out why)

The initial withdrawal from consumerism is not easy, but it also happens to be one of the best changes you could make for yourself, the people you love, and your future. It’s the ultimate MakeItBetter.

It takes time and can’t be accomplished through one-stop advice. It needs to be implemented and fought every day until you removed the chains and escaped the addiction. And I’m here to be your sponsor.

I challenge YOU, yes you reading this right now, to start a Crap Detox (CD).

Why? Here’s a list of reasons:

1. You’ll get out of debt (easier & faster)
2. You’ll actually stay out of debt
3. You’ll probably lose weight and improve your health
4. You’ll be able to save for your retirement
5. You’ll be better prepared for our current economic climate
6. You’ll actually be showing your children the value of people, not things
7. You’ll appreciate more
8. You’ll find more gratitude and generosity
9. You’ll be happier
10. You’ll be an inspiration to those around you
11. You’ll set your children up for a better financial future
12. You’ll feel more secure
13. You’ll have more self esteem
14. You’ll realize most “rich” people around you are actually insecure people with a lot of credit card debt
15. You’ll take more risk because you’ll have a better hold on your finances
16. You’ll have more confidence & self respect
17. The best things in life are free, remember?
18. You’ll appreciate more of the “stuff” you have and “stuff” you do get
19. You’ll stop with the clutter already
20. You’ll stop fighting with your partner over money
21. You’ll stop spoiling your kids and make them more self reliant
22. You’ll find more joy in life because it won’t come from things
23. You’ll stress less
24. You’ll be able to afford things that really matter to you
25. It’s worth every minute of it

Getting Started:

Depending on your spending habits and expenses this will vary but basically anyone can start this process today.

1. Access your financial situation. If you don’t already have a hold on your finances then you’ll need to outline all your necessary expenses and start differentiating between a need (food) and a want (lobster). With this step you’ll fully grasp how much you consume as a requirement of life and how much of it really just overcompensates as retail therapy.

For more details on this go here, here, here and here.

Read about money and happiness also: here, here, here and here.

The idea isn’t to focus just on extravagant purchases, it’s everything. From that $2.35 pen to the booze you throw down for on Saturday night.

Now, I am NO miser, and I don’t expect you to be either. This isn’t about living without; it’s about living the best life you can, without the weight that comes with the consumerist lifestyle of our culture. It’s about using your money to get you everything you REALLY want, not what you’re made to feel you need to be happy.

It’s about making the “stuff” in your life better; the best it can possibly be.

Here are parts  2, 3, 4 and 5

If you want to go through a Crap Detox with the rest of us, subscribe here for updates and next steps. Hey at least try it; you’ve gotten nothing to lose but crap.

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I was clipping coupons the other night and came across one for Dove.

It had a woman in her underwear, obviously a “real” woman because she was average looking and had the smallest belly roll and it seemed so gimmicky to me.

Dove’s marketing position is to appeal to real women who wanted to be represented in the media. Or to women who are tired of being sold the mass media’s underweight, blonde, perfect version of sexy. Or to insecure women who feel good supporting a brand that ‘makes them feel good about being normal’.

It was all too contrived for me.

The model was pretty enough for print, still thinner then the average woman and the entire text was a branding of how much Dove cares.

And that’s why I did not buy it.

Marketing is mostly about showing and telling the world what they want you to think of them. It’s all about image, not authenticity. This promotion of real beauty isn’t a genuine reflection of their stance on the media’s representation of women.

If it really mattered they would start using real images and real people everyday, all the time.

So when Dove slaps these campaigns all over the place, they are saying they care much more about you liking them and their positioning in the marketplace then they are about making us feel better. These efforts are mostly to sell a brand’s image and therefore a product.

If they wanted to change society they would just do it.

Yes perhaps some executives over at Dove actually want us to get some self esteem and share it with our daughters, but the next time you weigh the merit of a good intention, first consider what’s in it for them, then consider whether or not they would’ve done it if no one was looking.

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Does this explain the war in Iraq too?

So with this being true…why is this going on?

For the fatty in you

I’m not the only one who thinks our work structure sucks

I found a great new blog for women (sorry fellas - check it out anyway - you might like it!)

For those that enjoy a bit of dry humor

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This post is about how to overcome your own biases and judgment of other groups, individuals and ideas. This isn’t just about race or religion, it’s about the skater, the prep, the Louis Vuitton carrying coworker - anyone or anything we negate because of previously held beliefs.

This process worked for me, I hope it works for you.

First figure out where you stand:

1. If you’re aware of your biases and you no longer delude yourself in believing that they don’t exist, therefore you are already past the huge hurdle that first comes with acceptance.

2. If you question whether you have them, your inconclusive position proves they exist.

3. If you legitimately believe that your race, religion, style etc is above all others, well you probably need more help then a blog post could provide.

4. If you are adamant that you are already an unbiased soul, then keep reading anyway and share in the comments.

Which one are you?

Now try this:

1. Admit it.

If you haven’t admitted it yet, you need to before moving on the step two. It doesn’t have to be publicly posted, but you need to acknowledge what you want to change before you can make any really progress.

2. It’s just your perception.

We only perceive things based on what we’ve been taught to believe. Looking outside the box that you’ve placed others in allows you to see the narrow plane in your own perspective. Perhaps with some exploration, information will bring new insight.

3. Spend time with what you fear.

Ultimately racism comes from past experiences, environmental influences and the media’s representation of cultural groups. When you want to overcome a dislike or fear of something the best thing to do is face it. The same goes with a bias. You need to replace the things you learned with real life connection and personal observation.

You aren’t born hating Mexicans, you probably just don’t know any.

4. Experience authentic culture.

The local Chinese place doesn’t really offer the bona fide taste of the old country. Read some literature on the history of the culture you are resistant to, head to a local neighborhood with some friends, and eat cuisine prepared true to the culture’s history. Go to a gay bar and have dinner with some transvestites. You still might not be into trannies, but you’ll be less inclined to judge them as so.

5. Focus on similarities not differences.

Once you’ve found yourself in a situation where you can explore a relationship with someone you would otherwise reject, try to look past what makes you different and find what makes you the same. What makes us the same is far greater then what makes us different. Get to know them for who they are as a person; not a dork, rich girl, or Jew.

6. Let your guard down.

There is always the fear that others will judge and reject you, but don’t let that hinder you from edging your way into opening up. The more you let your guard down the more they will too, and with that an authentic connection will be made. From there the differences that once divided you will become characteristics and beautiful qualities of your new friend.

There’s a distinct line between being biased and wanting to eradicate an entire group of people, but still, as the song goes, we’re all a little bit racist.

We just don’t have to be.

Related posts:

Apparently I’m a Racist
Ghetto Houseguest

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Ever hang out with someone and feel anxious to get home? Does being around them make you feel drained, annoyed or stressed out? You’re not quite sure how it got like this, but you can’t shake the feeling you want to “break up with them”?

Toxic Friends.

They infiltrate your life like a searpeant, slithering their negativity in and unexpectedly smothering you with it.

Sometimes these friends were always bad news but you had your own issues that you never saw it coming. Or for whatever reason they may not have your best interests at heart, and you’re finally starting to notice. It could be possible time and change has caused this rift, but no matter what the circumstances, the odds are you might need to cut them loose; for your sake and theirs.

Here’s a handy guide to find out if you’ve been delaying the inevitable:

1. Being around them is supposed to be fun.

Usually they should make your day but now they only create an exhausting one. If you find that spending time with them doesn’t make great memories, then you might want to get some pest repellant.

2. My personal cheerleader.

Ask yourself: does this person support me? Do they inspire me or give me respect and ecouragement? If no, perhaps they’re really not your friend and you cling to each other for other reasons. A true friendship is like any form of real love, they want everything for you that you could ever dream for yourself, and they willingly help you get there.

3. Drama, drama, drama.

At least once a week they call you with some woe-is-me story that won’t end. Their relationship, their job, their apartment, basically whatever event that shows up in their life becomes a of tale tribulation and struggle.

4. Negative Nancy.

The food is bad. The people are lame. The ride is too long. They never stop complaining and while you battle to remain positive, the fun-sucking energy coming from them still wins.

5. What it’s only been three months?

You haven’t seen each other in ages and you only make the effort when there’s nothing better to do. Or when you have the delusion to believe it’ll be fun this time. (But still, it never is.)

Relationships are supposed to enrich your life and make you a better person. They aren’t supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. Friendships should only enhance who you are becoming and improve the quality of your life.

The theory that what we don’t like in others is a reflection of what we don’t like in ourselves is hogwash. What we don’t like in those around us was once what we were, but now we can see it in others only because we’ve overcome it. It is only when we do something about our shortcomings do we really understand their affect on the world around us and when we carry the same problems as our neighbor we are usually too busy with our baggage to notice theirs.

Remember whatever you do with a toxic friend, be honest and kind, for they know that they not what they do.

You know, you’ve been there too.

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The three year old I baby-sit called out my name, distressed about something.

She was peering down at a small spider and looked up at me, scared, asking what we should do.

I told her that all living creatures have souls and contribute and that spiders like that can’t hurt us, so perhaps we should leave it alone?

My answer must’ve appeased her as she smiled slightly, nodded, and headed back to her playroom in agreement.

I marveled at the simplicity of it; how easily empathy can be taught.

How easy it is to accept what we are afraid of when we just try to understand it.

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I’m not skinny. I’m not chubby either. I’m the girl who would’ve fit in perfectly during the 1950’s; curvy and fair.

I think I’m sexy. Some other people agree and some don’t, but either way I’ve still received my fair share of attention.

I’ve been gawked at like a celebrity, hit on like a playmate, but couldn’t get a date to my Senior Prom (I’ll share that sad tale another day). I have gorgeous eyes and high maintenance, forgettable hair.

Suffice to say, I’m imperfect and flawed; human.

And I’m usually okay with all of it, because when it comes to the art of love and relationships, you can’t be the cat’s meow to everyone, but you will be to some.

With good ol’ statistics you’re bound to run into interested participants here and there, because everyday, somebody somewhere wants you, and you’re too busy looking for it to notice.

Real sex appeal comes with confidence and self esteem, so build up both and head out with your feathers showing; no one is going to see greatness unless you emit it from the inside.

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