Just Make It Better

I’ve had the fortunate, at times challenging, pleasure of living with men for the majority of my young adult life. During the first few years of college, I shared a dorm hall with boys yet to be men, one in particular who befriended my roommate and me so well that most nights he was platonically sleeping in our room. (Now, they have their own bed to share.) Since then I’ve shared living space (on and off) with either boyfriends or male friends. Here are a few things I’ve learned from closely observing the other half.

1. Men are creatures of habit. Yes, some have heard it before, but knowing it and accepting it are vital aspects of a relationship with men. No matter what their routines are, it will be in your best interest to just go along with it. Being resistant to his seemingly ridiculous habits will only combat what you are trying to create. As long as you get what is required when the time is right, embrace his need for instant gratification and you’ll be happier with his behavior in the long run. Besides, if you have that big of an issue with it, you may want to look at yourself and consider what it is really about. Either that or perhaps you need to go out and get your own life.

2. Don’t force it. If you pressure them into something, (rather then allow them to make decisions on their own) your proposal will often get bitterly rejected. Express your need for whatever it is you want, shine a pretty light on it and anticipate the best. Most likely, if he’s a kind soul, he’ll go along with the ride. If he doesn’t, it might just not be the right time for that romantic picnic. Although, if you find yourself never getting any reciprocity, perhaps you need to look at the entire picture, not just the incident. Make sure you’re not traveling alone down a one-way street.

3. Men’s brains are not storage facilities. Their knowledge bank can be a large and as irritatingly correct as ours, but unlike us, they generalize information and aren’t concerned with life’s details. If something is important to you and they need to be prepared for it, just accept that they’ll probably need a reminder notice. Don’t judge them for not remembering Mother’s Day, social conditioning and expectations are not always the best identifiers of love. Sometimes the best indicators of kindness and devotion are those that happen while we are busy planning Valentine’s Day.

4. Expect to repeat yourself. A lot. Along with what I said above, men tend to forget or get distracted by some other much more entertaining activity then bathroom washing. But, a good friend, partner, and roommate are more then willing to share responsibilities and reach your expectations when needed. If something needs attention and just because it’s a vital aspect of your life doesn’t mean those around you may be as aware. Remind him, write a note or knit it into his underwear if need be, just as long as he gets the message.

5. Your version of clean is not always theirs. Of the seven men I’ve lived with none were that clean (as in dirt, not clutter, although I’ve seen both) and when they did do their share of the domestic duties it often was not to the common investigator’s standards. Either patiently teach an eager student or just be thankful that the effort was put forth in the first place. Sometimes it pays to be less rigid.

6. Know when to discuss it. I can relate to the eager need to go over travel plans, share your exciting story or give birthday details right away, but make sure you have an attentive audience before you share. We’ve all heard men aren’t as apt to multitasking so don’t wish for miracles when you jabber out dates during the post work wind down. If you want someone’s full attention, aim to get it when it’s readily available.

7. Doormats aren’t attractive. People get tired of walking all over you and men are no exception. If you never disagree because you never have an opinion, that’s not healthy, it’s pretty much lying by omission. Standing for what you believe in and having conviction is way sexier then keeping the peace. The odds are your act will get old and boring and before you know it your identity will be fading away with his interest.

8. Food and sex really do fix (almost) everything. Little else makes a man instantly happy. Considering it more often then not.

9. Breakups are just as bad for them too. I’ve seen a many a men whimper around because of the great power of women. Their egos are just protective shields keeping them from displaying their rainbow of emotions. Be kind to them too.

10. Let them be the boys they’ll always want to be. It’s true that they never really do grow out of being immature little rascals. They’ll all have different variations of it, but when they’re together, it’s likely to get ridiculous. It also happens to be fabulous. If they’re at the stage of real adulthood, they’ll know when to control it, but when their childish grandeur strikes, let it flow. Or better yet, join in and see how fun it can be.

Most of these are generalities and times they are a-changing, but this is what I know for now. It isn’t a definition of them but rather a guide for some of them. It’s meant to broaden our minds in acceptance of our differences, because the more we understand, the better partners we can be. What do you guys think? What else would you add?

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