Just Make It Better

I Hate Weddings

I’ve spent the last few years of my life participating in standard marital celebrations. All my experiences have been similar but after one such party I felt the full impact of its redundancy; something I think many people can relate too.

Since the announcement I had not seen the newly betrothed girl so I walked up to her and gave the expected congratulations. As we pulled away from our embrace, she shoved her left hand in my face with such tenacity I was humorously taken aback by her forcefulness. I glanced at the ring and smiled, knowing her intentions were laced with excitement and not bad mannered. As she rambled on, sharing the story of their engagement for no doubts the hundred and sixth time, I analyzed her joy.

I never do get what the big deal is.

After going to numerous weddings in the past few years, they’ve all blended together, carbon copies of one another, levels of expense the only real differentiating factor. The spectacles were only enjoyable when at their most intimate; a unique reflection of the couple’s adoration. The charade of the ring and the commercially unoriginal list of parties and requirements end up an obligational and unnecessarily expensive. The decision to participate in this martial standardization seems conditioned and by no means the genuine reflections of an ever lasting love.This journey we are forced to embark is no longer a pivotal point in a relationship. Instead it’s a performance for others. Reflective of what society deems a correct wedding so the most opinionated of the invitees walks away assured that the couple in question is on the right path. A path paved by the bouquet toss, cake cutting, and perfect venue.

Is any of it an essential part of developing a healthy, successful romantic partnership? Or is it perpetrated by social norms and the desire to uphold a certain public image?

And if it was essential, shouldn’t couples be past these relationship milestones years before they enter into a legally binding collaboration?

Who ever said marriage was the end of the road with romantic love? And if it is, why can’t it be pertinent to your love, with a budget you can afford; an enrichment to the life you currently have, not the one you want created by a single day.Show me the couple that opts for a red dress and moissanite. The couple that shares the day with just those few that loves them the most. The couple that devotes themselves to one another through civil ceremony or considers themselves wed whether licensed or not. I’d love to see them so secure in their commitment that marriage is something to look forward too, not something achieved with ultimatums. Let it not be about you, the dress, the food, but about just being together.

As a woman I find it a tad absurd, the endless questioning of when a relationship will be official. (Because your connection isn’t significant until the government or god is involved?) I was further humored by the young woman, who when done showcasing her ring, touched my arm and exclaimed with assurance:

“Don’t worry, you’ll be next.”

She meant it sweetly, a kind girl, unaware of her comments. At least, I assume so. Perplexed though, I thought, who’s worried? As if my own party in a local restaurant substantiates my happiness or my relationship. And if it did, would it be because of my own desire for such an occasion or more so for the people who share her sentiments? As I go through the phase of life where marriage is a main topic and baby showers become quite common, I can’t help but question whether most engage in these activities because frankly they have no idea who they are or what else they should do.

Want to know what drama occurred after I wrote this?

If you enjoyed this and would like more, subscribe here.

For further readings on the American wedding tradition:

The Trouble With Engagement Rings
It’s Just Marketing
How Two Months Salary Lasts a Lifetime In Really Evil Shit
Conflict Diamonds
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?
One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead

(EDIT 2/5/08: Apparently Jessica Alba hates weddings too. Not that this has any real credibility, but it was still funny considering I got some backlash about this post.)

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Continue reading » · Written on: 01-10-08 · 33 Comments »

33 Responses to “I Hate Weddings”

Rebecca wrote:

There are plenty of gals, and guys, opting for the red dress and the moissanite…or the pirate garb and the non-rainwood-forest-wood-ring.

http://www.offbeatbride.com will warm your heart. So will indiebride.com. Check them out and revel in the non-Wedding-Industry-Corp fun.

And I was just recently engaged with a moissanite ring I voted for none, but it was a big deal for my SO.

January 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm

Nicole wrote:

Hi Rebecca!

Thanks for the links, I’ll check them out.

And thanks for commenting…visit again soon

January 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

CJ wrote:

If there was a way to get an email or text notification when u post that’d be great. Most of my friends are getting married. I’m still so far from that though. Reading your columns is great! I read them straight from my celly

January 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am

LM wrote:

I liked this post, I found it to be very well written, but a few things disturbed me. Since it was a party celebrating their love, I can completely understand why she was excited and was eager to tell her story. In an earlier blog you mentioned living with your bf right? Why would you move in with someone if you did not plan on marrying them?

January 16th, 2008 at 8:46 pm

Nicole wrote:

Hi LM.

I love the idea of marriage, I just dislike the weddings.

So many participate in the standardizations of what should come with love and marriage because it is something we are trained to believe is necessary. The showing of the ring, the numerous parties, the cost, the “right” way to do it is a representation of how real the love is?

I do live with my boyfriend. As far as marriage is concerned we’ve discussed it and feel our being together is inevitable, with or without it. The question isn’t whether we plan on marrying or not, because when we do we’ll probably do it for tax purposes.

I am grateful for him and celebrate it everyday, I don’t need the big party to know it’s wonderful and worth getting excited over. Just having the chance to be together already is.

I wish for everyone to feel everyday as excited about the someone they love.

Sometimes it seems people are more excited about the dress though.

And that’s why I hate weddings.

Thanks for commenting

January 16th, 2008 at 9:31 pm

LM wrote:

I do not agree with your comment. I do not believe that the majority of women wish care more about the dress than marrying the love of their life. The whole concept of a wedding is to have a celebration in order to share your love with all of your loved ones. I find this post very contradicting because while you say that you hate weddings, you feel that it is okay to get married for tax purposes? I don’t feel that goes along with what was said in your post. I got engaged late in life, in my late twenties and I am very happily married. My husband and I decided to do all of the parties and do it all the traditional way because that is what we wanted. I had always dreamed of marrying my dream guy, and we wanted to celebrate that with the people we cared about the most. Getting married is another way for the couple to bond over making important decisions and having fun together. Is ‘the girl’ that you are talking about in this post you and if so are you not in love with your beau?? Are you afraid of conforming to societal norms? I sense sorrow and disappointment laced through your words. I hope that you find solace and happiness! Peace be with you.

January 16th, 2008 at 9:58 pm

Nicole wrote:

I am very happy, LM. Unbelievable so. It’s fine that you do not agree with me, although I don’t understand where the confusion lies.

I know many people who choose to go the traditional route and have participated fully in weddings and have done so happily when the production is one meant to enhance their love and lives.

As far as my comment for it being for tax purposes, I mean only that in my heart our lives are together forever already and that there is no reason to legally marry except for the financial and legal gains that come with it.

Essentially, in our society isn’t that what making it official means?

Because if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, can’t you start that any day?
Is that not a matter of the heart, rather then the state?

Many that choose to go the traditional route do so with only the intention of celebrating their love, but would the wedding industry be a billion dollar empire if not for those who deem the venue the best demonstration?

If you sense sorrow and disappintment in my words, you are right. I do feel that way because so many get lost in the rigamaroo of it all and forget what it’s all about and that makes me sad.

I wonder what the rest of the readers think?

January 17th, 2008 at 9:44 am

Nicole wrote:

(I forgot to mention that “the girl” is not me. I generalize her both to respect her privacy and because her actions represent many that I’ve observed.)

January 17th, 2008 at 10:40 am

LM wrote:

The confusion lies within your words my dear. I know many people that oppose the idea of weddings and marriage and choose not to marry legally but cohabit instead. I strongly disagree with the fact that you oppose weddings so strongly but are quick to marry to save a buck if you will. It almost sounds as if you are jealous of this hypothetical girl being excited. When my husband and I got married we were very much in love and we didn’t get lost in the ‘rigamaroo’. It is imporant my dear, to remember that just because some people choose to have a wedding does not make them less in love than one whom chooses to get married in city hall. It is okay if you cannot afford to have a wedding or choose not to have a wedding but I find it very insulting to me and to others that have chosen to go the Christian route of getting married in Church or any other religous place of worship that you are saying that getting married in city hall is more fulfilling. Your depiction of marriage sounds so negative, dear, you must not marry for tax purposes, you must marry because you are in love and found the person that you wish to spend the rest of your life with. I wish you all the best. Remember you must not envy what others have, for you will never find the true happiness that lies within you! God Bless!

January 17th, 2008 at 11:19 am

Jenny wrote:

LM,

You sound very condescending, uh, my dear.

January 17th, 2008 at 12:16 pm

DV wrote:

LM,

My takeaway from this post is that some people allow themselves to be preoccupied with the spectacle of marriage, showing it more so than being it. ( as wedding can take on a variety of meanings) I feel that Nicole is inviting us to be clear with ourselves as to what your intention reallly is or why are you chosing to have your wedding a certain way as we should be doing with everything that we do.

Oh by the way, my dear, I love that you “were” in love with your husband and that you feel the need to overly empahasis that. Perhaps you should ask yourself why that is. Why are you insulted? Are you insulted that there are people with different opinions than you?

I think the point Nicole is trying to make is that we dont need others to valid our love for another. It is interesting that your reaction is to over state the love you and your husband may have. The way that you describe your wedding with such nostalgia is the very thing she is warning us to avoid, “we were very much in love.” We’ll ask yourself this, what is your day to day relationship with your husband feel like? The rest of your life should be a wedding celebration not one day of life while you spend the rest reminscing about how “we were very much in love.” Maintaining that fire requires an openness that your reactions dont demonstrate. Perhaps that is something you need to examine. Someone having a different opinion than you doesn’t discredit yours. But you seem to think it does.

Different views exist simultaneouly. Its not one vs. the other or right vs wrong, the world is not black and white but maybe your marriage is.

If you were comfortable with your decisions, you would not be “insulted” by an opinion different from your own.

January 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Nicole wrote:

LM,

I feel your opinion is yours to have, but your response doesn’t seem to be directed to exactly that which I say.

For one, I made no mention of Christianity or Churchs.

I also specifically said it is not marriage I question, nor the value of it.

I agree marriage is something one must do for love, but again marriage is something done in the heart, not by license or celebration.

I don’t envy anyone, for each person has their own joys and their own sorrows.

To say that I mean anyone is less in love just because they marry is not my intention, but rather that our love isn’t substantiated until we do, either by society, family or even in our own minds.

I do wonder though, when you say:

“I strongly disagree with the fact that you oppose weddings so strongly but are quick to marry to save a buck if you will.”

Doesn’t that support my assertions with how people associate marriage (and therefore love) with a wedding?

Isn’t it my right to want to marry for my own reasons and terms without the societal pressures to present it “properly” with a formal wedding arrangement?

And as DV said above, why are you insulted by my ideas? Why would it upset you that much, for if it were not somewhat pertinent to you, why would it affect you?

I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to contribute to this discussion and my blog, for the thinking and conversation it creates is my purpose.

January 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Angela wrote:

Nicole,

I agree with everything you’ve said. I thought some of the same things you have written and am happy we share those feelings. We’ve all seen Bridezillas, therein lies the problem.

January 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm

All Women Blogging Carnival Stops By This Week | Woman Start Your Business Now wrote:

[...] presents I Hate Weddings posted at Makeitbetter's [...]

February 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 pm

RetiredSyd wrote:

When I think back on planning my own wedding, I can’t help but remember it as the most un-fun time of my life. My maid of honor was pissed at me (I think because I was getting married, who knows), I felt all this pressure to get it right (you only get one wedding), I was arguing with my in-laws about a videographer (I didn’t want one, but alas, they paid for part of the wedding, so a camera was in fact, shoved in the faces of many of our guests).

But two good things happened from that big party (did I mention I didn’t even feel like I was “there” at all?) 1. Now people could get off my back (”with the when are you getting married” questions and 2. We got lot’s of good stuff. (I never did the shove your hand in someone’s face thing, because we didn’t do the big diamond thing, I wear my mother’s simple, gold, wedding band.)

So then the only questions became “when are you going to have kids?” (Now everyone had license to ask that.) The answer was never (thank goodness I didn’t succumb to the peer pressure on that one). They finally started believing me when I hit my 40’s.

But yes, I hope when (if) you decide to get married, you go ahead with exactly the kind of celebration that JUST YOU want–not what everyone else thinks you should have.

February 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm

RetiredSyd wrote:

Oh, P.S. for the record, I love weddings. Free booze, free food, dancing, what’s not to love?

February 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Nicole wrote:

Yes, of course I like any reason to party too. I can’t say that part isn’t something worth enjoying.

February 24th, 2008 at 4:07 pm

LM wrote:

Doesn’t that sound slightly wrong that you hate weddings but you “like any reason to party?” So in essence are you saying that you hate your own wedding? I wish you well in your endeavors my young friend for as time presses on you shall see that negativity is not healthy and leads to unhappiness. I hope that you do find happiness, but as you grow older learn that you must create your own happiness because I feel that you are basking in misery through your words on this website. Also I feel that it is silly that you would take the advice of a celebrity to further support your claim, and yet revoke it later by saying that you do enjoy weddings. RetiredSyd says it best beacause when my husband and I planned our wedding many years ago we didn’t care what anyone else thought and did everything as we chose! But RetiredSyd is wrong because we did not get married to get gifts……….you get married to celebrate the union! Our families are not wealthy and we asked for donations to be made in our names, knowing that we would never ask them for presents because their presence was our gift.

February 25th, 2008 at 11:35 am

Nicole wrote:

Also LM, have you read any of my other posts?

February 25th, 2008 at 2:32 pm

RetiredSyd wrote:

Well I think the real point is fabulous wedding does not equal fabulous marriage. Yes, weddings and marriages are two different things. (Further, and most importantly, a relationship is a relationship–a wedding doesn’t make a relationship better or worse, you’re still the same two people.) I’ve always known my husband (of 16 years now) is the one for me. I’ve always been happily with him, even those 7 pre-marriage years. When I look back over the 23 we’ve spent together, they were all happy and committed, married or unmarried. But more importantly the actual wedding was just a party. In fact, I think this cultural emphasis on the wedding day being so all-important does a huge disservice to marriage. It’s the relationship that’s important.

Let me try and clarify some things. I did not get married to celebrate the union. We were already united, it was just society (and friends and family) that did not recognize this union. We had a wedding so THEY could start respecting the union–there is definitely a difference in how we were treated as a couple before and after the wedding. We were the same two people, with the same committment and love for each other. But no one gets that unless you stand up and say “I do” in front of them.

Nor did I have the wedding for the presents, that was just a really fun biproduct of the wedding, along with the other biproduct of people getting off my back about getting married.

As to happiness, which I’m not sure how you can opine through typed words on the internet, I have always been happy then and now. I’m one of those lucky people that has never struggled for happiness.

Sorry you missed out on the gifts, though LM, I found that (and the drinking and eating and dancing) to be a lot of fun.

And I love weddings–it was just mine I didn’t really care for–too much stress, too much unsolicited opinion. I do, however, love the relationship I’ve been lucky enough to have for 23 years now.

February 25th, 2008 at 9:26 pm

kristie wrote:

well honestly I think everyone else has posted a opinion on this blog, why not me? I am a newlywed (4 months) and totally agree with Nicole and RetiredSyd. Weddings are just a way to get people off of your back. Dont get me wrong, I was that typical little girl dreaming of her perfect wedding. I totally didnt get it. The day when by so fast, so i wasted all that money on nothing. I looked pretty and the pictures came out great,but i could of went down to see city hall. And honestly, the main reason to get married is to have that piece of paper saying i get all of “it” if my husband dies. I know I am going to be with him forever so why do i have to prove it to the rest of the world. I tell my gfs who arent married, but dont want to and been with their bf for yrs..if he dies u get nothing…then what? but I am glad Iam married. I dont regret it. Plus the perks were nice too.. I love my wedding band.

March 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm

K wrote:

thank you for your brave and honest post about weddings. it is truly refreshing to see someone marching to the beat of her own drum on this subject.

i am obliged to attend a “traditional” wedding soon and am dreading it. it is partly because i do not know this couple very well, but i also get nauseated at the (perhaps) mindless adherence to traditions, not to mention the thousands of dollars that will be spent on this day. it is an out-of-town affair with many family members i don’t know, so the effort to travel so far plus our reserved ramshackle lodgings sour the taste of this day for me. i am required to go because i am family, but when i look at all the details going into this wedding, i just shake my head.

i am not down on love and romance, but i think that all this work and expense could go into a far more practical purpose. maybe i would feel differently about this ceremony if i were close to the couple, but since i’m not, it is very hard to get genuinely excited. outwardly i am trying to appear optimistic, but in my heart of hearts, i’d rather not go.

my own wedding was very small and casual. my husband and i were glad we kept it that way, rather than having the true meaning of our day get lost in the meaningless shuffle of bridesmaids gowns, wedding favor trinkets, and ceremony rehearsals. i wish more people would speak up against bridezilla weddings, and how a fancy wedding day does not automatically lead to a successful and happy marriage down the road.

April 14th, 2008 at 2:52 am

Nicole wrote:

I sure can relate to what you’re saying!

Thanks for adding to discussion. As you can see this is an interesting topic with many different opinions. It’s always nice to add more to the mix, so I appreciate your taking the time to share.

You got me to thinking about how this feeling often exends to other socialized organized events though.

Such things as: baptisms, communions, bar and bat mitzvahs (I haven’t attended any but I am sure this feeling crosses cultural lines?) , holiday parties etc. How many of the guests attending these events actually enjoy them?

Better yet, how much of these milestones have become hypocritical and all about upholding an image?

As a final thought: when you feel obligated b/c of family and forced to go, perhaps this is an opportunity to politely and respectfully send a gift, your congratulations and just stay home.

This is something I’ve been exploring lately. Because if we’re kind and respect their wishes, people need to respect ours too, right?

April 14th, 2008 at 8:32 am

Doing it Differently Blog Carnival, 18th Edition wrote:

[...] Makeitbetter’s Weblog – I Hate Weddings [...]

May 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Chris wrote:

The actual day of my marriage was one of the least enjoyable days of my life even though it was the best day of my life too.

I can remember having to go through all of the formalities that to me had little meaning and then having to meet loads of people that I didn’t know and am unlikely to meet ever again.

I am glad formal marriage ceremonies are dying out…….anyway they cost too much!

Chris
http://learn2develop.blogspot.com

May 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Employee835 wrote:

Finally, someone who thinks. This ceaseless parade of nonsense is driving me nuts. How many times am I going to see my good friends who have brains and exceptional critical thinking skills melt and fold in the face of a dumb gold ring in a champagne glass and the accompanying gender roles? Thank you for your post. I am glad to know that there are others in the world who are not pro-wedding zombies. I love love. I want everyone who desires it to be in love, I support anyone who wants to have a long lasting, deep and fulfilling relationship, just don’t invite me to your wedding.

Employee835s last blog post..End of the Line

July 1st, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Holly wrote:

Whoa, back to LM’s first or second comment –

since when is being in your late 20’s even remotely the same as “late in life?” Good grief.

October 11th, 2008 at 11:13 pm

Luke wrote:

Typical American weddings are absolutely retarded. I’ve seen it all. Your average middle class wedding is a very selfish and contrived affair that revolves around two retarded factors: (1.) how other people do their weddings, and (2.) budget, both considerations which have NOTHING to do with the wedded couple nor the guests.

From the numerous hardships imposed on the wedding party to the cheap starchy food, from the perfunctory roles and rituals to the goddamned chicken dance, it’s a guaranteed unpleasant experience that, with the apparent exception of the bride and her harridan mother, all involved seem to await with dread, self-medicate to get through, and fume about afterward.

The traditional American wedding is people trying to approximate some lavish fantasy experience which they either can’t or won’t pay to have done properly. In our individualistic, DIY society the wedding is an antiquated concept left over from a day when marriages were for life and weddings were events to look forward to and remember.

May 6th, 2009 at 2:02 pm

AK wrote:

“Oh my goodness, we’re getting MARRIED!”

Cue the preparations. The endless chatter about wedding preparations that lasts from the day of engagement till the day of the wedding.

Who are we inviting? What dress to wear? What’s the ‘theme’? What food will we serve our guests? Booze or no booze?

Then the bills begin to pile up. And not just bills for the venue, the food, the clothes, etc.

We’re also talking the phone bills for the long-distance calls to relatives you barely know, friends you’ve lost touch with and professionals promising you the best hair/cake/music you’ve ever seen/tasted/heard.

And don’t forget the bachelor party, the bachelorette party, the stag or stag&doe, the shower, the listing of gifts for the wedding registry… where you basically tell people how they can best pay for their own meals through the purchase of something you could have afforded yourself if you hadn’t been forced to pay for the venue and meals.

It’s like a superfluous birthday party for adults where two entirely different families are forced to confront one another, many of whom have never met before this moment.

Underlying the entire festival is the knowledge, unspoken, that these two will be rocking the boat for a week while you go back to your normal lives.

Also present at these weddings are the divorced members of your family who will be naturally inclined to regale your other guests with stories of the wedding(s) they’ve personally experienced.

And, as nothing in this world functions precisely as planned, one of several things will go wrong:

1- Someone gives a speech while completely sloshed
2- A napkin is set on fire, probably from said sloshed individual.
3- The food causes explosive diarrhea in one of the guests (bonus points if it happens to one of the newlyweds)
4- The DJ turns out to have less talent than “Genius” mode on iTunes, and starts scratching in the middle of songs that ought not be scratched.
5- Someone injures themselves on the dance floor
6- The cake is wrong
7- the wrong drinks are served
8- the only limo you could get is too small for your needs
9- the bride’s shoe breaks
10- your relatives get into a pointless political and/or religious debate
11- Really, when you put this many people together in one room, add music, drinks and a microphone… what CAN’T go wrong?

Weddings are antiquated, as Luke pointed out, and the worst part about any wedding in my book is the drama that comes out of two families having to join together.

As cultures merge together more rapidly, the inevitable clashes between families become more violent, destructive and painful.

For those reasons I think it’s better to hold a less formal, more relaxed party. Especially a less formal one, where everyone can just have fun and not worry or fret so much.

Marriage is great! But a wedding is a poorly scripted and produced theatrical production. I’d be just as happy to skip it.

June 7th, 2009 at 10:45 am

Nicole wrote:

So AK, we are in agreement then?

haha…

June 7th, 2009 at 11:07 am

AK wrote:

lol definitely Nicole

June 8th, 2009 at 10:44 am

Blackie wrote:

We had a lovely civil ceremony, followed by lunch and bed. No nerves, bank loans, or regrets.

June 14th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Michelle wrote:

I could not agree with you more. It is so nice to be reminded that there are other women out there who share my opinion. It seems like such a minority opinion sometimes and I love how mad some people get when you have an independent thought that goes against the expectations of society. I am in my mid twenties and have been in a loving, committed relationship with the same man for over 7 years now. We have lived together for 4 years now. Not once have I ever had the desire to get married. What we mean to each other does not need any outside sources to verify or confirm it. I told an Aunt (married into the family, not blood) that I did not want to get married, and her response was that I would want to get married when I met the right guy. The usual opinion: I am female, I MUST want to get married someday, it’s every girl’s dream. It would never occur to her that maybe it says more about the quality and future of my relationship that I don’t feel the need to get married in order to feel like I’m in a secure, happy, and lasting relationship.

January 21st, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Rebecca wrote:
There are plenty of gals, and guys, opting for the red dress and the moissanite…or the pirate garb and the non-rainwood-forest-wood-ring.

http://www.offbeatbride.com will warm your heart. So will indiebride.com. Check them out and revel in the non-Wedding-Industry-Corp fun.

And I was just recently engaged with a moissanite ring I voted for none, but it was a big deal for my SO.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Nicole wrote:
Hi Rebecca!

Thanks for the links, I’ll check them out.

And thanks for commenting…visit again soon
January 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
CJ wrote:
If there was a way to get an email or text notification when u post that’d be great. Most of my friends are getting married. I’m still so far from that though. Reading your columns is great! I read them straight from my celly
January 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am
LM wrote:
I liked this post, I found it to be very well written, but a few things disturbed me. Since it was a party celebrating their love, I can completely understand why she was excited and was eager to tell her story. In an earlier blog you mentioned living with your bf right? Why would you move in with someone if you did not plan on marrying them?
January 16th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Nicole wrote:
Hi LM.

I love the idea of marriage, I just dislike the weddings.

So many participate in the standardizations of what should come with love and marriage because it is something we are trained to believe is necessary. The showing of the ring, the numerous parties, the cost, the “right” way to do it is a representation of how real the love is?

I do live with my boyfriend. As far as marriage is concerned we’ve discussed it and feel our being together is inevitable, with or without it. The question isn’t whether we plan on marrying or not, because when we do we’ll probably do it for tax purposes.

I am grateful for him and celebrate it everyday, I don’t need the big party to know it’s wonderful and worth getting excited over. Just having the chance to be together already is.

I wish for everyone to feel everyday as excited about the someone they love.

Sometimes it seems people are more excited about the dress though.

And that’s why I hate weddings.

Thanks for commenting
January 16th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
LM wrote:
I do not agree with your comment. I do not believe that the majority of women wish care more about the dress than marrying the love of their life. The whole concept of a wedding is to have a celebration in order to share your love with all of your loved ones. I find this post very contradicting because while you say that you hate weddings, you feel that it is okay to get married for tax purposes? I don’t feel that goes along with what was said in your post. I got engaged late in life, in my late twenties and I am very happily married. My husband and I decided to do all of the parties and do it all the traditional way because that is what we wanted. I had always dreamed of marrying my dream guy, and we wanted to celebrate that with the people we cared about the most. Getting married is another way for the couple to bond over making important decisions and having fun together. Is ‘the girl’ that you are talking about in this post you and if so are you not in love with your beau?? Are you afraid of conforming to societal norms? I sense sorrow and disappointment laced through your words. I hope that you find solace and happiness! Peace be with you.
January 16th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Nicole wrote:
I am very happy, LM. Unbelievable so. It’s fine that you do not agree with me, although I don’t understand where the confusion lies.

I know many people who choose to go the traditional route and have participated fully in weddings and have done so happily when the production is one meant to enhance their love and lives.

As far as my comment for it being for tax purposes, I mean only that in my heart our lives are together forever already and that there is no reason to legally marry except for the financial and legal gains that come with it.

Essentially, in our society isn’t that what making it official means?

Because if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, can’t you start that any day?
Is that not a matter of the heart, rather then the state?

Many that choose to go the traditional route do so with only the intention of celebrating their love, but would the wedding industry be a billion dollar empire if not for those who deem the venue the best demonstration?

If you sense sorrow and disappintment in my words, you are right. I do feel that way because so many get lost in the rigamaroo of it all and forget what it’s all about and that makes me sad.

I wonder what the rest of the readers think?
January 17th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Nicole wrote:
(I forgot to mention that “the girl” is not me. I generalize her both to respect her privacy and because her actions represent many that I’ve observed.)
January 17th, 2008 at 10:40 am
LM wrote:
The confusion lies within your words my dear. I know many people that oppose the idea of weddings and marriage and choose not to marry legally but cohabit instead. I strongly disagree with the fact that you oppose weddings so strongly but are quick to marry to save a buck if you will. It almost sounds as if you are jealous of this hypothetical girl being excited. When my husband and I got married we were very much in love and we didn’t get lost in the ‘rigamaroo’. It is imporant my dear, to remember that just because some people choose to have a wedding does not make them less in love than one whom chooses to get married in city hall. It is okay if you cannot afford to have a wedding or choose not to have a wedding but I find it very insulting to me and to others that have chosen to go the Christian route of getting married in Church or any other religous place of worship that you are saying that getting married in city hall is more fulfilling. Your depiction of marriage sounds so negative, dear, you must not marry for tax purposes, you must marry because you are in love and found the person that you wish to spend the rest of your life with. I wish you all the best. Remember you must not envy what others have, for you will never find the true happiness that lies within you! God Bless!
January 17th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Jenny wrote:
LM,

You sound very condescending, uh, my dear.
January 17th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
DV wrote:
LM,

My takeaway from this post is that some people allow themselves to be preoccupied with the spectacle of marriage, showing it more so than being it. ( as wedding can take on a variety of meanings) I feel that Nicole is inviting us to be clear with ourselves as to what your intention reallly is or why are you chosing to have your wedding a certain way as we should be doing with everything that we do.

Oh by the way, my dear, I love that you “were” in love with your husband and that you feel the need to overly empahasis that. Perhaps you should ask yourself why that is. Why are you insulted? Are you insulted that there are people with different opinions than you?

I think the point Nicole is trying to make is that we dont need others to valid our love for another. It is interesting that your reaction is to over state the love you and your husband may have. The way that you describe your wedding with such nostalgia is the very thing she is warning us to avoid, “we were very much in love.” We’ll ask yourself this, what is your day to day relationship with your husband feel like? The rest of your life should be a wedding celebration not one day of life while you spend the rest reminscing about how “we were very much in love.” Maintaining that fire requires an openness that your reactions dont demonstrate. Perhaps that is something you need to examine. Someone having a different opinion than you doesn’t discredit yours. But you seem to think it does.

Different views exist simultaneouly. Its not one vs. the other or right vs wrong, the world is not black and white but maybe your marriage is.

If you were comfortable with your decisions, you would not be “insulted” by an opinion different from your own.
January 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Nicole wrote:
LM,

I feel your opinion is yours to have, but your response doesn’t seem to be directed to exactly that which I say.

For one, I made no mention of Christianity or Churchs.

I also specifically said it is not marriage I question, nor the value of it.

I agree marriage is something one must do for love, but again marriage is something done in the heart, not by license or celebration.

I don’t envy anyone, for each person has their own joys and their own sorrows.

To say that I mean anyone is less in love just because they marry is not my intention, but rather that our love isn’t substantiated until we do, either by society, family or even in our own minds.

I do wonder though, when you say:

“I strongly disagree with the fact that you oppose weddings so strongly but are quick to marry to save a buck if you will.”

Doesn’t that support my assertions with how people associate marriage (and therefore love) with a wedding?

Isn’t it my right to want to marry for my own reasons and terms without the societal pressures to present it “properly” with a formal wedding arrangement?

And as DV said above, why are you insulted by my ideas? Why would it upset you that much, for if it were not somewhat pertinent to you, why would it affect you?

I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to contribute to this discussion and my blog, for the thinking and conversation it creates is my purpose.
January 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Angela wrote:
Nicole,

I agree with everything you’ve said. I thought some of the same things you have written and am happy we share those feelings. We’ve all seen Bridezillas, therein lies the problem.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
All Women Blogging Carnival Stops By This Week | Woman Start Your Business Now wrote:
[...] presents I Hate Weddings posted at Makeitbetter's [...]
February 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
RetiredSyd wrote:
When I think back on planning my own wedding, I can’t help but remember it as the most un-fun time of my life. My maid of honor was pissed at me (I think because I was getting married, who knows), I felt all this pressure to get it right (you only get one wedding), I was arguing with my in-laws about a videographer (I didn’t want one, but alas, they paid for part of the wedding, so a camera was in fact, shoved in the faces of many of our guests).

But two good things happened from that big party (did I mention I didn’t even feel like I was “there” at all?) 1. Now people could get off my back (”with the when are you getting married” questions and 2. We got lot’s of good stuff. (I never did the shove your hand in someone’s face thing, because we didn’t do the big diamond thing, I wear my mother’s simple, gold, wedding band.)

So then the only questions became “when are you going to have kids?” (Now everyone had license to ask that.) The answer was never (thank goodness I didn’t succumb to the peer pressure on that one). They finally started believing me when I hit my 40’s.

But yes, I hope when (if) you decide to get married, you go ahead with exactly the kind of celebration that JUST YOU want–not what everyone else thinks you should have.
February 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
RetiredSyd wrote:
Oh, P.S. for the record, I love weddings. Free booze, free food, dancing, what’s not to love?
February 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Nicole wrote:
Yes, of course I like any reason to party too. I can’t say that part isn’t something worth enjoying.
February 24th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
LM wrote:
Doesn’t that sound slightly wrong that you hate weddings but you “like any reason to party?” So in essence are you saying that you hate your own wedding? I wish you well in your endeavors my young friend for as time presses on you shall see that negativity is not healthy and leads to unhappiness. I hope that you do find happiness, but as you grow older learn that you must create your own happiness because I feel that you are basking in misery through your words on this website. Also I feel that it is silly that you would take the advice of a celebrity to further support your claim, and yet revoke it later by saying that you do enjoy weddings. RetiredSyd says it best beacause when my husband and I planned our wedding many years ago we didn’t care what anyone else thought and did everything as we chose! But RetiredSyd is wrong because we did not get married to get gifts……….you get married to celebrate the union! Our families are not wealthy and we asked for donations to be made in our names, knowing that we would never ask them for presents because their presence was our gift.
February 25th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Nicole wrote:
Also LM, have you read any of my other posts?
February 25th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
RetiredSyd wrote:
Well I think the real point is fabulous wedding does not equal fabulous marriage. Yes, weddings and marriages are two different things. (Further, and most importantly, a relationship is a relationship–a wedding doesn’t make a relationship better or worse, you’re still the same two people.) I’ve always known my husband (of 16 years now) is the one for me. I’ve always been happily with him, even those 7 pre-marriage years. When I look back over the 23 we’ve spent together, they were all happy and committed, married or unmarried. But more importantly the actual wedding was just a party. In fact, I think this cultural emphasis on the wedding day being so all-important does a huge disservice to marriage. It’s the relationship that’s important.

Let me try and clarify some things. I did not get married to celebrate the union. We were already united, it was just society (and friends and family) that did not recognize this union. We had a wedding so THEY could start respecting the union–there is definitely a difference in how we were treated as a couple before and after the wedding. We were the same two people, with the same committment and love for each other. But no one gets that unless you stand up and say “I do” in front of them.

Nor did I have the wedding for the presents, that was just a really fun biproduct of the wedding, along with the other biproduct of people getting off my back about getting married.

As to happiness, which I’m not sure how you can opine through typed words on the internet, I have always been happy then and now. I’m one of those lucky people that has never struggled for happiness.

Sorry you missed out on the gifts, though LM, I found that (and the drinking and eating and dancing) to be a lot of fun.

And I love weddings–it was just mine I didn’t really care for–too much stress, too much unsolicited opinion. I do, however, love the relationship I’ve been lucky enough to have for 23 years now.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
kristie wrote:
well honestly I think everyone else has posted a opinion on this blog, why not me? I am a newlywed (4 months) and totally agree with Nicole and RetiredSyd. Weddings are just a way to get people off of your back. Dont get me wrong, I was that typical little girl dreaming of her perfect wedding. I totally didnt get it. The day when by so fast, so i wasted all that money on nothing. I looked pretty and the pictures came out great,but i could of went down to see city hall. And honestly, the main reason to get married is to have that piece of paper saying i get all of “it” if my husband dies. I know I am going to be with him forever so why do i have to prove it to the rest of the world. I tell my gfs who arent married, but dont want to and been with their bf for yrs..if he dies u get nothing…then what? but I am glad Iam married. I dont regret it. Plus the perks were nice too.. I love my wedding band.
March 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
K wrote:
thank you for your brave and honest post about weddings. it is truly refreshing to see someone marching to the beat of her own drum on this subject.

i am obliged to attend a “traditional” wedding soon and am dreading it. it is partly because i do not know this couple very well, but i also get nauseated at the (perhaps) mindless adherence to traditions, not to mention the thousands of dollars that will be spent on this day. it is an out-of-town affair with many family members i don’t know, so the effort to travel so far plus our reserved ramshackle lodgings sour the taste of this day for me. i am required to go because i am family, but when i look at all the details going into this wedding, i just shake my head.

i am not down on love and romance, but i think that all this work and expense could go into a far more practical purpose. maybe i would feel differently about this ceremony if i were close to the couple, but since i’m not, it is very hard to get genuinely excited. outwardly i am trying to appear optimistic, but in my heart of hearts, i’d rather not go.

my own wedding was very small and casual. my husband and i were glad we kept it that way, rather than having the true meaning of our day get lost in the meaningless shuffle of bridesmaids gowns, wedding favor trinkets, and ceremony rehearsals. i wish more people would speak up against bridezilla weddings, and how a fancy wedding day does not automatically lead to a successful and happy marriage down the road.
April 14th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Nicole wrote:
K,

I sure can relate to what you’re saying!

Thanks for adding to discussion. As you can see this is an interesting topic with many different opinions. It’s always nice to add more to the mix, so I appreciate your taking the time to share.

You got me to thinking about how this feeling often exends to other socialized organized events though.

Such things as: baptisms, communions, bar and bat mitzvahs (I haven’t attended any but I am sure this feeling crosses cultural lines?) , holiday parties etc. How many of the guests attending these events actually enjoy them?

Better yet, how much of these milestones have become hypocritical and all about upholding an image?

As a final thought: when you feel obligated b/c of family and forced to go, perhaps this is an opportunity to politely and respectfully send a gift, your congratulations and just stay home.

This is something I’ve been exploring lately. Because if we’re kind and respect their wishes, people need to respect ours too, right?
April 14th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Doing it Differently Blog Carnival, 18th Edition wrote:
[...] Makeitbetter’s Weblog – I Hate Weddings [...]
May 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Chris wrote:
The actual day of my marriage was one of the least enjoyable days of my life even though it was the best day of my life too.

I can remember having to go through all of the formalities that to me had little meaning and then having to meet loads of people that I didn’t know and am unlikely to meet ever again.

I am glad formal marriage ceremonies are dying out…….anyway they cost too much!

Chris
http://learn2develop.blogspot.com
May 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Employee835 wrote:
Finally, someone who thinks. This ceaseless parade of nonsense is driving me nuts. How many times am I going to see my good friends who have brains and exceptional critical thinking skills melt and fold in the face of a dumb gold ring in a champagne glass and the accompanying gender roles? Thank you for your post. I am glad to know that there are others in the world who are not pro-wedding zombies. I love love. I want everyone who desires it to be in love, I support anyone who wants to have a long lasting, deep and fulfilling relationship, just don’t invite me to your wedding.

Employee835s last blog post..End of the Line
July 1st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Holly wrote:
Whoa, back to LM’s first or second comment –

since when is being in your late 20’s even remotely the same as “late in life?” Good grief.
October 11th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Luke wrote:
Typical American weddings are absolutely retarded. I’ve seen it all. Your average middle class wedding is a very selfish and contrived affair that revolves around two retarded factors: (1.) how other people do their weddings, and (2.) budget, both considerations which have NOTHING to do with the wedded couple nor the guests.

From the numerous hardships imposed on the wedding party to the cheap starchy food, from the perfunctory roles and rituals to the goddamned chicken dance, it’s a guaranteed unpleasant experience that, with the apparent exception of the bride and her harridan mother, all involved seem to await with dread, self-medicate to get through, and fume about afterward.

The traditional American wedding is people trying to approximate some lavish fantasy experience which they either can’t or won’t pay to have done properly. In our individualistic, DIY society the wedding is an antiquated concept left over from a day when marriages were for life and weddings were events to look forward to and remember.
May 6th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
AK wrote:
“Oh my goodness, we’re getting MARRIED!”

Cue the preparations. The endless chatter about wedding preparations that lasts from the day of engagement till the day of the wedding.

Who are we inviting? What dress to wear? What’s the ‘theme’? What food will we serve our guests? Booze or no booze?

Then the bills begin to pile up. And not just bills for the venue, the food, the clothes, etc.

We’re also talking the phone bills for the long-distance calls to relatives you barely know, friends you’ve lost touch with and professionals promising you the best hair/cake/music you’ve ever seen/tasted/heard.

And don’t forget the bachelor party, the bachelorette party, the stag or stag&doe, the shower, the listing of gifts for the wedding registry… where you basically tell people how they can best pay for their own meals through the purchase of something you could have afforded yourself if you hadn’t been forced to pay for the venue and meals.

It’s like a superfluous birthday party for adults where two entirely different families are forced to confront one another, many of whom have never met before this moment.

Underlying the entire festival is the knowledge, unspoken, that these two will be rocking the boat for a week while you go back to your normal lives.

Also present at these weddings are the divorced members of your family who will be naturally inclined to regale your other guests with stories of the wedding(s) they’ve personally experienced.

And, as nothing in this world functions precisely as planned, one of several things will go wrong:

1- Someone gives a speech while completely sloshed
2- A napkin is set on fire, probably from said sloshed individual.
3- The food causes explosive diarrhea in one of the guests (bonus points if it happens to one of the newlyweds)
4- The DJ turns out to have less talent than “Genius” mode on iTunes, and starts scratching in the middle of songs that ought not be scratched.
5- Someone injures themselves on the dance floor
6- The cake is wrong
7- the wrong drinks are served
8- the only limo you could get is too small for your needs
9- the bride’s shoe breaks
10- your relatives get into a pointless political and/or religious debate
11- Really, when you put this many people together in one room, add music, drinks and a microphone… what CAN’T go wrong?

Weddings are antiquated, as Luke pointed out, and the worst part about any wedding in my book is the drama that comes out of two families having to join together.

As cultures merge together more rapidly, the inevitable clashes between families become more violent, destructive and painful.

For those reasons I think it’s better to hold a less formal, more relaxed party. Especially a less formal one, where everyone can just have fun and not worry or fret so much.

Marriage is great! But a wedding is a poorly scripted and produced theatrical production. I’d be just as happy to skip it.
June 7th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Nicole wrote:
So AK, we are in agreement then?

haha…
June 7th, 2009 at 11:07 am
AK wrote:
lol definitely Nicole
June 8th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Blackie wrote:
We had a lovely civil ceremony, followed by lunch and bed. No nerves, bank loans, or regrets.
June 14th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Michelle wrote:
I could not agree with you more. It is so nice to be reminded that there are other women out there who share my opinion. It seems like such a minority opinion sometimes and I love how mad some people get when you have an independent thought that goes against the expectations of society. I am in my mid twenties and have been in a loving, committed relationship with the same man for over 7 years now. We have lived together for 4 years now. Not once have I ever had the desire to get married. What we mean to each other does not need any outside sources to verify or confirm it. I told an Aunt (married into the family, not blood) that I did not want to get married, and her response was that I would want to get married when I met the right guy. The usual opinion: I am female, I MUST want to get married someday, it’s every girl’s dream. It would never occur to her that maybe it says more about the quality and future of my relationship that I don’t feel the need to get married in order to feel like I’m in a secure, happy, and lasting relationship.
January 21st, 2010 at 4:28 pm

I Hate Weddings

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