Just MakeItBetter

Some people have mentioned the dynamics of my living arrangement, given the concept “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”?  I understand the logistics of their thinking. If you give someone all that they would want, then why would they take the legal and financial leaps that come with an even greater commitment? What then do they have to motivate them?

If someone is really commited, then they are commited. With or without the milk.

If games such as these need be played, then the rules in the field aren’t exactly fair, and you shouldn’t be willing to engage in something so frivolous. If I needed to restrict myself from entering into certain arrangements because of fear that it could halt my relationship’s progression, perhaps I should first figure out why I am wasting my time here with someone I can’t be myself with?

Sure if my intentions are not for the future, then of course, I could carry on, enjoying it until there was no more.

But sorry, I want a blossoming, reciprocal relationship; one with an appreciation for the present and a cemented future. And if my partner was of such little character that offering myself and my love meant he lost his respect and love for me, then he can go find someone else to lead on.

I don’t buy into the bullshit that my love’s interest in our development has been lost since I started paying half the rent, and if it did, then what we have isn’t true.

And noone deserves any less then that.

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When people ask me where I live I often tell them Little Korea.

Technically NY doesn’t really have one of those, but since I happen to live in a predominantly Korean neighborhood I like to refer to it that way. I moved in without any real attention to the surroundings. I was in desperate need of a new apartment and the only things I cared about were: 1) safe 2) convenient to the highway. I’ve lived here for slightly over two years and besides remnants from the old life, I’m one of the few non-Asians in my surrounding blocks. Next to the McDonald’s around the block there is an Asian Market filled with Korean signs and fish so fresh its practically just been pulled right off the boat. For most people here English is not their first language (sometimes not at all) and their cultural influences are more Korean than American. Despite these obstacles, we communicate without too much confusion.

Some people appear uncomfortable when I describe my home as Little Korea. It’s almost as though they find it inappropriate, even racist. Personally, I find that it’s their discomfort that is innappropriate and besides it’s a rather accurate description.

In today’s world it is hard for many to differentiate between prejudice and acknowledgement or opinion. My nickname for my home is not a reflection of its worth, nor a defamation of its people. Those that find it offensive are the very people that are prejudice against that which contrasts from their cultural and religious norms.

When someone whispers “he’s black”, “she’s gay”, “the Puerto Rican guy” that is about our own racism, not everyone else around them. Why would you hide something unless you felt it was in some way unfavorable? Isn’t a persons race, religion, creed, sexual orientation a form of character and/or description, just as tall or short, brown eyes or blue? The negative connotation that comes with being black is derivative only in our own view of the words used. Being homosexual only means something bad when we choose to speak it as so. The discomfort society has in acknowledging our differences is the very thing that keeps us from achieving a world where we could stand together as a human race. We are different and that is exactly what makes us beautiful. As soon as we give up this stupid fight for us all to be the same we can start embracing the unique magnificence within each others culture.

Now that would be such a wonderful world!

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“We came to see that, in the long run, it is more honorable to walk in dignity than ride in humiliation.”
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

As it is another year celebrating the late Civil Right’s leader, I am reminded of the people who were responsible for some of the most incredible acts of bravery in our nation’s history. I personally can’t imagine what it was like to be even alive during a time when segregation was legal, let alone be a black person fighting it.

It seems our people have been tamed into silence. Unlike the wild horses we once were, determined to have the life we demanded.

Children and adults alike see the day as just another holiday off. I suppose that is what it is, because noone is expected to always remember one man.

So let’s just take the day off and instead honor them everyday by living what they taught us.

Times.com has a fabulous slideshow telling the story of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement.

Now, I ask you:

Where have all the movers and shakers gone?

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I’ve spent the last few years of my life participating in standard marital celebrations. All my experiences have been similar but after one such party I felt the full impact of its redundancy; something I think many people can relate too.

Since the announcement I had not seen the newly betrothed girl so I walked up to her and gave the expected congratulations. As we pulled away from our embrace, she shoved her left hand in my face with such tenacity I was humorously taken aback by her forcefulness. I glanced at the ring and smiled, knowing her intentions were laced with excitement and not bad mannered. As she rambled on, sharing the story of their engagement for no doubts the hundred and sixth time, I analyzed her joy.

I never do get what the big deal is.

After going to numerous weddings in the past few years, they’ve all blended together, carbon copies of one another, levels of expense the only real differentiating factor. The spectacles were only enjoyable when at their most intimate; a unique reflection of the couple’s adoration. The charade of the ring and the commercially unoriginal list of parties and requirements end up an obligational and unnecessarily expensive. The decision to participate in this martial standardization seems conditioned and by no means the genuine reflections of an ever lasting love.This journey we are forced to embark is no longer a pivotal point in a relationship. Instead it’s a performance for others. Reflective of what society deems a correct wedding so the most opinionated of the invitees walks away assured that the couple in question is on the right path. A path paved by the bouquet toss, cake cutting, and perfect venue.

Is any of it an essential part of developing a healthy, successful romantic partnership? Or is it perpetrated by social norms and the desire to uphold a certain public image?

And if it was essential, shouldn’t couples be past these relationship milestones years before they enter into a legally binding collaboration?

Who ever said marriage was the end of the road with romantic love? And if it is, why can’t it be pertinent to your love, with a budget you can afford; an enrichment to the life you currently have, not the one you want created by a single day.Show me the couple that opts for a red dress and moissanite. The couple that shares the day with just those few that loves them the most. The couple that devotes themselves to one another through civil ceremony or considers themselves wed whether licensed or not. I’d love to see them so secure in their commitment that marriage is something to look forward too, not something achieved with ultimatums. Let it not be about you, the dress, the food, but about just being together.

As a woman I find it a tad absurd, the endless questioning of when a relationship will be official. (Because your connection isn’t significant until the government or god is involved?) I was further humored by the young woman, who when done showcasing her ring, touched my arm and exclaimed with assurance:

“Don’t worry, you’ll be next.”

She meant it sweetly, a kind girl, unaware of her comments. At least, I assume so. Perplexed though, I thought, who’s worried? As if my own party in a local restaurant substantiates my happiness or my relationship. And if it did, would it be because of my own desire for such an occasion or more so for the people who share her sentiments? As I go through the phase of life where marriage is a main topic and baby showers become quite common, I can’t help but question whether most engage in these activities because frankly they have no idea who they are or what else they should do.

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For further readings on the American wedding tradition:

The Trouble With Engagement Rings
It’s Just Marketing
How Two Months Salary Lasts a Lifetime In Really Evil Shit
Conflict Diamonds
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?
One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead

(EDIT 2/5/08: Apparently Jessica Alba hates weddings too. Not that this has any real credibility, but it was still funny considering I got some backlash about this post.)

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This was the contents of one of those unforgivable mass emails a friend sent me. Although I loathe the manor in which I was received it, the contents are sweet and true.

Enjoy!

(You’ll find my nuggets in parenthesis.)

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. (and unrelenting passion)

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s: respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions. (With this, comes leadership and change)

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. (Without getting caught!)

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship. (Or your ego)

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time along every day. (solitude is undervalued)

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past. (Try moving so past it, you barely remember it)

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been. (and befriend someone outside of what you know)

17. Remember that the best relationship is one which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. (True)

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. (Get inspired here)

I do not know the author for sure, but according to the email it was the Dalai Lama.

Either way, they work for me.

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Every year around a holiday (no matter what one) my introverted boyfriend goes into a tizzy about having to think of things to purchase for everyone. He complains about it because he kindly does not want to disappoint those that enjoy the whole charade, while conflictingly dislikes the ridiculousness of the obligation. I hear the same concerns from various people; my best girlfriend is still discussing the make-up purchase she needs for her beau’s birthday from October.

There are still times when you’d either like to present someone with a thoughtful gift or etiquette expects you too. Rather then give you an extensive list of ideas this’ll teach you the art of gift giving, letting you recreate it.

1. Make a list. Either mentally or on paper list the interests or interests of the person your trying to buy for. No matter how little you know the person, you are sure to know something. Add anything you can come up with, and unless you know for sure it doesn’t apply, nothing is too trivial. Favorite color, flower, food, music. Are they into certain venues of entertainment? Such as: restaurants, clubs, museums, parks, concerts, sports? What are there favorite stores? List it all and let it simmer.

2. Actually try listening. When you’re together if they mention anything they need or want, make a mental note or write it down! It may not be near the time when you need to get them something but that doesn’t mean you can’t give it to them or tuck it away until the the appropriate date.

3. Think of something they would never buy themselves. What makes it a gift a great one is that it’s something they would always enjoy but actually never go out and purchase. This could be that it’s beyond their price range or that they wouldn’t spend that on themselves. It also works with things that everyone would love (out-of-this world bedding!), but don’t know how superb it is until they experience it.

That method can also be applied to people you don’t know that well.

Some good examples of this would be:

- Navigational system for that person that can’t stop getting lost
- Instrument lessons for the person that always says they’d love to try it out and never does
- Any luxury (small or large) that you can afford but they won’t spoil themselves with
- Investments
- Domestic services
- Tickets
- Take their kids for the weekend (note: nothing supercedes sleep and sex as a gift)

4. Old faithfuls. When all else fails and you just can’t bear the thought of contuining your search, stick with what works. There are always favorite stores, indulgent hobbies, gift cards, and money. Pick the lesser of those evils and consider whether that would be the best of the three for your receiver. As long as this is only a standby and you don’t use it all that often, you still can hold your reign as a great gift giver.

5. Stop that procrastination. We’ve all either been there ourselves or spend each Christmas watching someone wait until the 22nd to think of what to get everyone. If you start this process much earlier then it’s expiration date, you are likely to feel less annoyed, pressured, broke, and rushed. You’re more likely to get inspired or run into something fabulous. This way you’re more likely to bump into stuff then actually have to labor over it. It would probably be best to try to live in this mode all year round, because this isn’t an easy skill to develop and as with everything you do, practicing it will only improve it.

I’ve said stuff doesn’t matter and already brought up why materialism isn’t true love, but a gift can still be loving and wonderful. Thoughtful gifts don’t have to be expensive. They don’t necessarily have to even cost anything. They are only expressions of how much you care when you use the item to sincerely reflect how well you know them, get them, understand them, love them. That’s what makes it thoughtful and once you’ve perfected it, quite fun.

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Since I am a heterosexual female this post will be written from that perspective, but I urge you, regardless of your orientation, to consider where your life may fit into it. 

If I were single now, I would surely be a cheap date.

I wasn’t always a woman who didn’t have high romantic demands.  I had a relationship that was luxurious, at least for me and my poor college girl lifestyle. He was all the things a woman is supposed to want, I suppose.  He’d bring the flowers and candies. The fancy dinners and holidays were always filled with material abundance.  He was a kind man, but I never loved him.  I was young and inexperienced and he adored me.  I was insecure and not mature enough to realize that’s why I told him I loved him back.  He came off as the world’s greatest catch, but I never let on how “uncatchable” he was when he wasn’t buying my affections.  My interest wasn’t about him, it was about the way he treated me and what he gave me. Things I couldn’t give myself at the time; stuff and love.

After I grew the strength to leave, I walked away guilt ridden, confused and ashamed.

Since then, the reflection on those lessons have given me the greatest understanding of love and happiness in a relationship. I can tell you it has nothing to do with things. Not a thing. When a holiday comes around I don’t have expectations for some grande gesture of my lover’s affections. He displays them everyday; in his kindness, sincerity and appreciation. He proves his love for me not through expensive items or overcompensating bouquets, but by encouraging my independence and self expression. Our love is not measured by the size of a ring he’s willing to go into debt for, instead I choose to express mine by releasing that societal pressure off of him.

I love a wonderful night out, dressed to kill, with an expensive dinner bill. But I love him more.

Love that is truly unconditional has no bank book. A man and a woman find success is their excess of each other, rich or poor. There’s no need for someone’s attraction to be built off the distractions of todays romantic ideals. In the beginning the flashy things just cloud perspective, holding you back from the reality of a potential match.  Step back and consider it next time you take someone out on a date. A long walk lets you know how much you like them much more clearly than the buzz of a bar and a beer.   

Consider this: if you could take it all away, every bit of indulgence, every benefit, would you still love your mate/date? Are they just enough? Are you just enough? If no, then get away from that horrible place, stand up and leave, for love is only love when it is authentic.  All Relationships are meant to bring you joy, but with true love, the sincerest pleasure will come from the simplest things.  Just believe you deserve it and will find it.

That is, only with great expectations.  

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I just ate a chocolate truffle.

It was one of those incredibly decadent ones. And having just gone to yoga a few hours ago, I ate it in a peacefully present state.

Were these usually this good or am I just painfully aware of it this time?

I followed that thought with an internal debate about why my gluttoness dessert choices are obviously unnecessary. If I just learned to always appreciate the signifigance in one truffle, I may very well avoid diabetes.

Thankfully my life’s joy doesn’t surround chocolate. But if I could learn to find that peacefully present state in all areas of life, then I’d know, everyday, just how delicious life is and always will be.

…that just depends on whether or not I choose to focus on tasting it.

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