Ghetto Houseguest
Years ago I shared an apartment with a young man who, although harmless himself, was raised in an environment the opposite of my own childhood. He shared stories of threatened walks home and an involvement in things the likes of me can’t understand. At one point his childhood friend became a somewhat permanent fixture on our living room couch. I was reassured by my boyfriend (also the roommate’s best friend) that this mysterious creature dozing with my chenille throw each morning was an innocent six foot bundle. I swallowed my discomfort and in the weeks that followed I found an ally and a friend in the most unusual of circumstances.
He had the darkest of skin, the kind that was lost with light, but found again through the whitest of smiles. His speech slurred with a drawl not akin to a southern hospitality, but instead the result of limited articulation. He chose a style straight out of the hood, baggy, dark and embellished. His name (or the one he chose to go by) was an acronym that referenced NYC and he was friendly to me; the petite white girl living with his friend. I started contemplating my own prejudices upon his arrival; the initial unease I felt when seeing this strange person snuggled amongst my down pillow. I have friends derivative of all ancestry, Nigerian, Trinidadian, Korean, Greek, Italian and to top it off I am madly in love with an olive skinned Puerto Rican-Aruban mutt. These cultural differences have never been an issue for me, if anything, more an interest, reveling in the diversity. I wondered whether the unsettling feeling would have been nonexistent had he been wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. Oddly, despite my media and societal laced biases I quickly relinquished this stranger roaming my apartment.
Alone.
All day.
After a few many days of he and I sharing the apartment together, we started to share our lunchtime as well. He told me about his children and his interests, his friends and our mutual acquaintances. He was funny and spirited, a good listener. He seemed sharp and good natured, calm and not at all aware of the severe shorthand he was given in life. His vocabulary and philosophies emphasized his lack of education. Sad it made me, such potential squandered in poverty and circumstance. He changed me, being the first inner city black man I’d every been able to get to know intimately. I learned to identify him with who he was rather then what his external appearance associated with.
The biases I felt are unfortunately not entirely extinguished, largely due to the realities that statistically follow our inner cities. They stay with me more as a impermanent truth, warning me for potential characters that may not be as kind as my houseguest. I see clearly how the negative behaviors of few cause so many to judge all, while much like my new friend, they are just victims themselves. Tormented souls unaware how they are struggling survivors of Darwinism, society and their inability to know their own potential and possibility.Unlike me, they don’t have a society, family and community believing in them, loving them, and guiding them with an encouraged hand.
But shouldn’t there be?
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Nicole,
I actually enjoyed reading your learning experience with this young man. I only have one thing to add. That yes the negative people in our black community make people judge the whole and that is unfortunate. But think about this one. White people commit heinous crimes and no one starts to look at all whites with a jaundiced eye. I have yet to see people afraid to be in school around teen aged white males who might be likely to go crazy and shoot up a school.
Somehow white people are immune to this group mentality. We as a society need to look at this and wonder why this is the case. Our collective racism goes very deep and is a learned behavior. We have been perpetrating these social conditions on the black community from day one being in America.
Thanks for the great post.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:47 pmummm, Jungle fever???
December 29th, 2007 at 9:51 pmEw no, he was not cute. He’d have to be more Denzel meets Chris Brown. Theblacksentinel above got my point.
December 30th, 2007 at 12:15 amNicole, this was a really beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it. I’m a white girl who grew up in an all-white community (I think we had like one Chinese family, one Indian family, and one Jewish family — everyone else was white, white, WHITE and mostly Catholic, though I’m not. Catholic, that is). And then even when I was in college, almost everyone was white, which struck me as odd. It’s only at the age of 25 that I actually have any black friends or, honestly, know any black people. The strange thing about it for me is its strangeness, if that makes sense. It makes me more conscious of my skin color, like when I’m the only white person in the room, is anyone THINKING that? Does awareness of color equate to racism? I don’t think so, but honestly, I don’t know.
Kristen
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:25 pmhttp://www.livelywomen.com
Kristen,
I can’t tell you what your feelings mean, but I can speak from my own experience…
I think awareness of your own race is heightened in those incidents because now you are more conscious of the biases that exist (either in yourself or the world as a
whole).
I don’t think being aware of our differences is racism.
Negating a person’s innate human worth simply because of those differences seems more prejudice to me.
What do you think?
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:07 pmI agree that being aware of our differences is not racism. As I don’t want people to pretend to be color blind when looking at me. That to me would be very insulting. As I am a black person and worthy of having that noted when people meet me. I don’t want to be some generic thing that people tolerate with this tolerance.
I like that you all are seeing the differences and just letting them be exactly that differences. This doesn’t make one better or worse, just different.
Also, I agree that negating ones human worth based on silly differences is definitely prejudiced.
January 4th, 2008 at 10:31 pmI think it’s easy for people to say that they’re colorblind/tolerant/all-accepting when they’re surrounded by people who are all their same color/age/income/education/religion/whatever, but it’s when you’re in an environment with diverse races, backgrounds, levels of education, cultural upbringing, belief systems, income brackets, etc, that you actually do become aware of your prejudices. I would hate to think that if would offend someone if I described them as “5′7″, black, medium weight, glasses” because I specified race, but I know a lot of people who would freak out if I described someone TO them that way. “What does it matter if she’s black?” Uh, it’s a physical characteristic. Duh? I think society has done itself a big disservice by quashing all discussion of differences. Now everyone is freaked out about offending someone, and those who really are prejudiced can now hide behind titular tolerance and acceptance because that’s just how things are. Am I getting off topic here, or does that make sense?
kk
January 5th, 2008 at 8:59 pmDefinitely making sense Kristen.
Yes, sadly the PC world has infiltrated just about everything and instead of creating tolerance it has pushed our differences to discussions behind closed doors.
Excellent point.
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April 15th, 2008 at 4:02 pmI just found your site, and am excited to read more.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:11 pmMarquita -
can’t wait to see you around
April 17th, 2008 at 8:11 amOMG nicole,
June 15th, 2009 at 8:12 pmThis post is brilliant. I love the way that you face adversity and question your prejudices and look beyond appearances. Truely inspirational. You should become an inspirational speaker. I’m sure that the teens at my school would appreciate and need some perspective.